There is always a story waiting to be told.
Grab a cup of coffee and join me as I share some Salt & Light.
Showing posts with label Diabetes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diabetes. Show all posts

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Heart Day


Driving back from Grafton was reminiscent of 10 years ago - yet having the kids with me in the car made it surreal, and powerful. The long drive on the highway after a long day at the hospital, feeling both exhausted and energized, felt like it did when I drove home from Northwestern in Chicago after Mark had his kidney-pancreas transplant. It was difficult to leave Mark at the hospital then, what to me felt like “alone”, but I had to get home to the then two-year-old Remy and four month old Dax. I wanted to be both places, but had to choose one. There was nothing I could do whether I was at the hospital or not. Even tonight I, I know now more than ever that God’s got this. But I still wish I was there in the room when they come to draw blood or check a blood pressure. It just “feels” better.  However, tonight on the drive home the kids and I talked. A lot. Man, did we TALK! We talked about my book, what I was titling it, what the cover would look like, what it was about (would today be in it?). How would revealing our private life in print to the world make them feel, what would people say, how would they be treated? We talked about being a Christian, being salt and light to others.  We talked about being persecuted as a Christian, for standing up for our beliefs. We talked about all that God has done in our lives, what He is doing right in this moment. We talked about all the “whys” we’ve experienced. What God is doing with the “whys” in Mark’s and my life, but also how He’ll use “whys” in their lives, too. We talked and I “preached” so much, that at one point I was worried I’d missed our exit and was half way to Green Bay

Things got repeated throughout the day. From stories, to prayers, to simple conversation – we know this:

No matter the situation or circumstances one thing is constant – God.

God is the same, yesterday, today, tomorrow.

There are angels among us. Angels are very real.

The Lord uses these situations not just for us, but for others. Who knows what kind of impact todays’ events might have on others… Christian’s and non alike.

No amount of thinking or worry is going to change what God has already written. So we pray!

So, today Mark and Remy played in a benefit softball tournament for Living Hope International through our church Word of Grace. They had already played two games and had had a long break. Mark had been having high blood sugars, and when they started to play the third game, Mark started getting severe cramps in his legs. He said he had never felt anything like it, ever before. The weather was extremely sunny and hot today, but Mark was staying hydrated and just could not make sense of it all. So, he took himself out of the game, and felt like he was going to be sick. He did not get sick, but made it to the bathroom and sat in a chair near the restrooms, I guess. He sat down and felt he was going to pass out, but only remembers coming to with everyone around him while he was flat on the concrete. Paramedics came and checked his blood sugar and apparently Mark was talking to them and others, but he does not remember it. When in the ambulance, they did an EKG and did not like the result, and started asking the heart attack questions… nausea, pain in chest, numbness, etc. Transport then changed from the local hospital to one a half hour away, as it is better equipped to handle a heart attack situation. Mark was given two bags of fluids in the ambulance and when they did the EKG at the hospital it looked good. Mark was still not in any pain, more like uncomfortable from the leg cramping. They drew up a ton of blood work for every function you can think of. The triponin level was elevated. This tells them about muscle damage to the heart.  This level is rechecked three or so times during a certain amount of time – like 12 hours or something. There was concern that if this level rises, they would want to do testing to look at the heart. This would require dye, and with his kidney post-transplant, he would require extra monitoring. They would move him to another hospital that was more equipped to handle a transplant patient. So there was potential of Mark being moved. So I got worried when the second level of triponin was also elevated. The nurse said when we left this evening that the Doctor had not called back about the levels, so at that time no news was good news. There still needs to be a few more labs to be done to draw a conclusion on the whole heart attack thing. Mark remains at the hospital tonight for monitoring. He had been moved to a room, eaten dinner and had a visit with our Pastor and his wife and my parents (they brought insulin pump supplies from home as Mark needed a site change! Of course he did!)  He has remained alert, never in any pain and considering today’s events - doing quite well. 

Thank you for all prayers. Keep them coming. I’ll keep you posted.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dia-not gonna beat us

We have been trying to get Remy's blood sugars 'normal' for I don't know how long. She wakes up so high daily and then corrects, eats breakfast and by morning snack she's still high and some days still high til lunch. We are finally getting the waking sugars under control. But, holy insulin Batman, she requires a lot of insulin from 2am to 8am. We are thinking that she's going to have to go on the bigger pump, that holds the larger cartridges of insulin, as we are changing the site/vial barely making it three days. I doubt we'll be able to get her on the bigger pump. Being on the state health care and all. I can't even get her test strips. The state only allows coverage for test strips if she tests 2-4 times a day. She tests 6-8 times a day. I love how the state dictates her health care. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we have coverage, but it makes getting her insulin (the type - they only cover humulog NOT novolog and they think I should just switch because 'they' say so!) and testing supplies hard to get. What scares me is that this past weekend, her blood sugar was so high and it made her feel so awful, she had a severe headache that ended up resulting in her vomiting. She was terrified to feel that way. She never asked for this to happen nor does she deserve it in any way. I hate this disease and I pray for a cure. But, if they really found a cure would they say so? The companies that have their hand in maintaining your health with diabetes would be out out of business. Would they allow that to happen? This is a manageable disease... whatever. It also will ruin my daughter's future from here on out as it's a 'pre-existing condition' - one that she never asked for. I'm so sorry for my baby girl that she has to do all that she does for her own health. I can never know what it feels like to have a high blood sugar or a low blood sugar to experience one and then the other throughout the course of a day. I hate it for her. I'm so sorry Pumpkin. I wish I could take it away for you. I love you more than anything and I pray that there is a cure for diabetes in your lifetime. I love you, my girlie.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Six months later

It's been six months already. Some odd 180 days. In part, I want to look at what is behind us. I mostly want to look to the future. For it is then, that we will be whole again. We're not even half way there yet. But, as of this past week, we are closer. Nine more months to go. Or a little less. But, what I think I am most surprised by is that all of a sudden, this six month mark, I am more depressed than ever. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with life as I know it. Yes, this has do with the choices I've made to stay here in Wisconsin, to stay married to Mark, to be stripped of my pride, to not have a clue. Blah, blah, blah. 'You' all need to get over it. More so, it also has everything to do with the fact that I'm not giving up, giving in, nor have I stopped believing that my God is the one who Reigns. Sure, I have been really wondering if he hears me lately when I literally cry out to him. I wonder how He can care about lil ol' me amidst a world full of it's troubles. You know, bigger troubles than me and my life. But, He does. He can. I'm still entitled to feel the way I do. It doesn't make me a 'bad' Christian. It makes me human. It's why I need my God. In Mark 9:24 the father of a suffering child says to the Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" He believes in Jesus, but he wrestles with his faith. He needs it strengthened. So do I.

I can have a bad day. I can feel like my little world is crashing down on me. Because, for me and my world, it is. I can feel like I have a bad life. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong. It's what I feel. There. I hate that I have to do 'all this' on my own. I hate parenting by myself. I hate having to do the taxes by myself. I hate having to get the oil changed by myself. I hate having to take the kids to get blood drawn by myself. I hate that's it's 'I'. I am not better off on my own. It's simply not how it's meant to be! "... a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:5-6. Listen, if I want to, I can sit and cry and say, "Hey, God. This really sucks." But, I tell you, I thank Him every morning for another day and for every blessing I have. Psalm 30: 5b "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." I am thankful for my beautiful children. I am glad to have a reliable vehicle. I am appreciative for a refund that I can bank away and/or help me in this mess. I praise doctors that can care for my children's special needs. I anxiously await his plan for me and my future (Jeremiah 29:11) because I know there is something great in it. Everything I read in the Bible is truth. Sometimes I can see God all around me and in everything. But, you know what, sometimes I can't. But, I still believe the Word is true.

I feel like there is so much I should be doing or should have accomplished. I feel like I am screwing everything up and letting everyone down and making a mess of things. I have no idea how to do 'this'. But every day I get up and put one foot in front of the other and keep on trying to figure things out. Some days are great! Most, are NOT. But I have the kids and a husband I adore and loves me unconditionally. More importantly, I learned how to love God first and it has made my marriage stronger and the need for my family to simply 'be' all that matters. It makes it hard to just want to do God's will, to just make Him happy when this world doesn't think like that. What I want for me and my family is not about me or my family at all. It's all for Him. What I want to do, doesn't even bring in a paycheck. The world only care about what my degree is in, or what subdivision I live in or what I'm driving these days. Hey, people of this world - strip yourself of those things. Go on... say you look at everything you did in that fraternity, lose that fancy house and hand back the keys to that gas guzzler. What are you now? Who are you? You aren't that different than me I'll bet. Are you willing to make sacrifices for the Son of God? Because God sacrificed His Son for you.

There are hurting people all around us. We are all hurting in different ways. For me, I am hurting because of my immediate situation. For me, it's a big deal. To you, it might not be. Doesn't lessen it for me, though. I suffer from clinical depression and have many past hurts and hang ups. My husband is hundreds of miles apart from me. I don't have physical contact with him other than a hug and hand holding but once a month. I have a child with diabetes. I have two children that can't eat just about anything other than what comes from the ground or God. I have a hard time looking anyone in the eye. For one, I might cry. I do that a lot lately. Also, you might see the fear and doubt in them. Because I am afraid and I doubt. But even though this is my life I have many examples when I can say, "I don't know why I doubt. God always provides." I can experience these things while I am on my journey. I can feel. But I know it's not in vain. I live my life as a living sacrifice to the Lord. I want my life to be a testimony. It can. It will.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

An update and a down... umm, date?

Mark made it to Florida. Mark went to see his dad very late last night after arriving at the airport. Mark said they had some great conversation, but then the rest of it was just gibberish. His dad seems to be aspirating anything he eats. They are trying to decide at this point if a feeding tube is in order. The family is all getting together to talk about the decisions that need to be made. Mark says he does not look like "Dad", but he doesn't think he's going to pass at any second. But, all we know is that he is NOT well. Keep praying for Mark and his family. My kids are concerned about Grandpa, too. I think Dax is really upset about losing Grandpa. So, please pray for the kids, also. It's been a long time since they saw everyone in Florida, so now the guilt is setting in that we just didn't take them to see them as much as we would have liked. Just keep the prayers coming.

Of course, I am scheduled to work all this time while Mark is gone. I hired a sitter last night, which the kids love having her. I took the kids to good friends of ours early this morning and they got the kids off to school. Bless them! Our friend Ken, the husband, is diabetic too, and I had no worries about Remy while in their care. Remy had a low when she got up, so she was eating a granola bar as she was walking in their door. They got her fed and took care of her bolus, aaaand she ran out of insulin. Ugh, I forgot she needed to change her site. I heard her pump beep at like 3 am (The kids love to sleep in the huge bed with me when dad is gone, so I heard the Low Reservoir beeps loud and clear!), but forgot about it when we all got up. When I returned home from work this morning, I started drawing up vials of insulin for Remy's pump. We are heading out of town soon, so I figured I might as well draw up the extra vials to take with while I was at it. School called. Remy was in the office "not looking so good". So I headed down to school to get her. Her blood sugar was only 211, as I worried she was going to be either 42 or 552! So that's not all bad considering she didn't get a full bolus to cover her breakfast carbs. I brought Remy home, got her site changed, some insulin and Motrin in her and took her temp. Yup, 101.4. Her big concern is whether or not we can still go out of town. I told her if this subsides quickly (as brother had it not long ago and it went away quick without him vomiting or anything!), we probably still could. But, if she gets worse, no way. I told her what would be bad for us all, is if I get sick. Then we aren't going anywhere! Fingers crossed that she gets better and that I have an immune system of steel.

I also hope she didn’t get the sitter sick or the family this morning before school. Then we would really suck. I don’t do guilt all that well. So pray, pray, pray!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The latest and not so greatest!

Well, there is so much going on that I don’t even know where to begin.

The house foreclosed and was auctioned. We tried to sell the house as a short sale. We originally listed the house at $648,000. We were getting offers for $520,000 to $550,000. The bank would not accept any of those offers. However, they auctioned and sold for less than we bought the house for in 2004. You know, somewhere around $400,000. I guess they write off the loss, then make more back by selling it for way over that $500,000 price later and make big bucks in the end. We tried to make it right. We can only say we tried. It’s a messed up world these days.

We moved from one rental in town to another in December. We had been renting the first floor of a house a few blocks a way. It was 2 bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom and a big kitchen. We had the basement too. We now have an entire house! The kids finally have their own rooms. It’s a lovely location. The house was auctioned (ironic, we know) and completely redone (from what we hear it was a mess!). We are reaping the benefits. It’s been great. We love living here, in this house and in town and in this state!

We returned the Tahoe to the dealership. Gave the car back and said thanks, it’s been fun. We were able to get a leased car from Mark’s work for me to drive. We did this only because Mark’s truck got totaled and the snow was so bad, he couldn’t make it to IL in a snowstorm. So, he literally bought the car and came to IL to get us and take us home. We had been renting a car and borrowing a car from dear friends of ours up here. Praise God for them! We returned their car so their sixteen-year-old son could drive it after receiving his license. Yay! Mark now drives a loaner (called a demo) from his work until we can afford to buy him one for cash.

A few days before we moved into this house, Mark picked up a trailer to hitch to the truck and move all our stuff here. About a block from the rental, he got in an accident. Totaled the truck and the trailer he had just rented. So he rented a moving van the next day and moved all our stuff (sore from the accident) into the new house in a HUGE snowstorm.

My job(s): I was working at both the kennel and the dog day care. I am now only working the kennel. I work about 20 hours a month. It has been great. I am able to work at night or weekends. Occasionally, I work mornings and midday. I go in for an hour. Let the dogs out, feed them, and play with them. Do some clean up. Check in and check out clients. It’s been a great source of extra income. I left the day care as I felt it was going against my passion and my calling, so I quit. It’s too bad, but it was best for our family.

Remy has new endocrinologists at Children’s in Milwaukee. A long time ago she tested positive for indicators of celiac’s disease. She will be having an endoscopy and biopsy of her intestines in early April. The biopsy is the only way to truly confirm celiac’s disease. Should the biopsy prove positive, it would mean a gluten free diet. The GI doc said we would all have the lab work done too, and if any of us show the indicators, we too get the biopsy. Regardless, we will all take on eating this way, as it will just be easier. It won’t be easier on the pocket book, but we’ll make it work! More trips to Trader Joe’s and the specialty food stores. I will have to cook a lot more and that is scary for everyone! ;)

Mark’s dad is not doing so well. He was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Then this past weekend he fell and broke his hip. They operated Monday and he was doing okay. No one had seen him, but the doctors said he was fine. Well, Mark’s sister said you couldn’t understand 80% of what he was talking about. Then the doctors were asking about DNR orders, wills and his ‘wishes’ today. We are not sure if he is going to make it. Mark is leaving tomorrow to see his family in Florida. Please pray for the family.

My depression has remained pretty much the same. I am bummed at how heavy I am these days. I know that if the medicine is helping me, I shouldn’t care. But, I miss the skinnier version of me. The thing that really sucks is that I just feel like something is wrong with me. I am just ‘not right’. I have been sleeping A TON. I can sleep until one in the afternoon. It has been gorgeous out, so sunny and warm. I want to get outside and do things. But I am too depressed. I just want to eat chips and Cadbury eggs and watch TV. It takes time. I am patient with myself. Are others as patient with me? Do they understand? I wonder. I sometimes wonder if I care if they understand. Only those with depression I think can truly understand.

I have been really glad to be involved in my Bible study. We are studying Paul, which has been great for me! Also, I all of a sudden ‘get’ huge portions of the Bible. This too is hard to describe, but I am just so into learning it and absorbing it! I am reading Thessalonians for church. Had been reading Acts, Romans and Philemon for study and Matthew on my own. Never in my life did I think I would LOVE reading the Bible as much as I do. I have had a huge revelation, something I had been praying for and asking others to pray for me for. I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I think I finally figured it out! I’ll save that for another entry though. It deserves it’s own.

Friday, November 28, 2008

A meme

1. My uncle once had an awesome green Camaro it sparkled.
2. Never in my life have I been to Disney.
3. When I was five I had a really fun birthday party and my mom did everything and I love M&M Bingo to this day for it.
4. High school was meh.
5. I will never forget Mark’s transplant
6. Once I met Robert Townsend at a basketball game at my high school.
7. There’s this boy I know who is adorable, and looks like Nick Jonas. They both have diabetes.
8. Once, at a bar, I got in and was like 17 or something – and I didn’t even want to be there in the first place. Lame.
9. By noon, I will have consumed four cups of coffee.
10. Last night I went to bed before anyone.
11. If only I had paid more attention.
12. Next time I go to church I will be “extra” thankful.
13. What worries me most is that which I cannot control.
14. When I turn my head left I see a very messy kitchen.
15. When I turn my head right I see a very messy closet.
16. You know I’m lying when I can’t keep a straight face.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is Reebok hightops.
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be … can I be Shakespeare?
19. By this time next year I hope that I have more answers.
20. A better name for me would be Rachel, apparently, people always tell me that or have called me it.
21. I have a hard time understanding numbers, math, the whole right side of the brain.
22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll study religion.
23. You know I like you if I tell you I do, or suggest we should spend more time together or get to know one another better. Why play games? Tell ‘em!
24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be God.
25. Take my advice, never my clothes.
26. My ideal breakfast is at a comfy restaurant.
27. A song I love but do not have is Jars of Clay “There is a River.”
28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest Kirchbaum’s!
29. Why won’t people believe.
30. If you spend a night at my house, you’ll sleep with a dog on your bed.
31. I’d stop my wedding for any emergency.
32. The world could do without just about anything that blows up (except fireworks!).
33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than eat a live octopus.
34. My favorite blondie is from Applebees. Yummmmm.
35. Paper clips are more useful than tape.
36. If I do anything well it’s “be there”.
37. I can’t help but I can listen.
38. I usually cry when I am just too overwhelmed and feeling depressed and have held it in just too long.
39. My advice to my nephew/niece is to read the Bible, everything you need to know is in there.
40. And by the way, it really doesn’t matter how much money you make, whether or not you have a degree or that you have everything big and great and beautiful. It matters that you make your life right with God. All you take with you is you character.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Doodle O's for Google - Oh!

Every once in awhile, Google redesigns the homepage logo (a.k.a. Google Doodle) to commemorate special birthdays and events. Dennis Hwang draws these Google Doodles - whose job I truly want, by the way. You had better look out Dennis!

TuDiabetes.com and DiabetesDaily have teamed up to get more than 20,000 signatures by November 1, 2008 as part of a petition to ask Google for a doodle to light the logo in blue on World Diabetes Day November 14th.

Please, invite EVERYONE touched by diabetes to join this initiative:
-Add your signature to the Diabetes Doodle petition @ http://www.diabetesdoodle.com/



A big thanks to Kerri for posting about all this on her Web site. I lurk at her place. She is one of those people that you just want to meet and give a big hug to. So, lookout SixUntilMe! I'm comin' to hug ya. After I steal Doodle boy's job...

Monday, August 25, 2008

Say goodnight

Again with the lyrics... but JoBros said it man - Hold on tight, It's a roller coaster ride we're on, So say goodbye 'cause I won't be back again, Up and down, You're all around, Say goodnight and goodbye.

There has been so much going on and I have wanted to post for a couple weeks. When I try to put it all together all I can think is to randomly list what I can of it all...

Remy has been having high blood sugars. I am not overly concerned. I assume she is growing.
Mark has been having low blood sugars. Ugh, I hate this. It reminds me of the days when we were dating and he would get low. It scares me. His transplant just can't go bad. It can't.

Mark recently had his A1c done, and it was high - 8.9
Remy's last A1c came down since her last one, 8.4 from 8.9
I am worried that Remy's is still going to be high when we go in this week to see the endocrinologist.
I worry about Mark, that with his blood sugars going so high and so low, he's going to end up back on a pump.

My folks came out to visit us a week or so ago. They went and looked at some houses while they were here.
None of them were in the exact town that we live in. There are some great houses that would be perfect for them!

The house in Illinois. I don't know if I even want to talk about it. But you wouldn't even believe some of the things that have been going on. The play area in the basement has a shelf with a rod attached to it for the dress up clothes. My folks found it on the floor of the playroom, completely ripped out of the wall. All the things that were on it were strewn all over the room. There was a toilet completely, how shall I say... "full" and clogged. The whole house smelled of it, I guess. One of the blue stone stepping stones from the back yard was stolen. Someone keeps smoking on the back deck. There were muddy footprints on the pool cover. One time when my folks stopped at the house to check on things, the neighbor took the liberty to let his party guests' children use our swing set. The kicker was this last week though. My mom went back to the house to take care of the toilets. They get so gross just sitting there. Molding. The first toilet she went to was in the Master Bath Room on the first floor. Inside the toilet was a squirrel. Yeah, dead. I'll let you take that in for a minute. How does that even happen? Someone had to put it there. Seriously.

This past weekend was a nightmare with an Open House at the IL house. I won't get into it in detail. I'll just say there is some kind of egotistical battle between our realtor, her husband and my parents. Ugh. Enough already!

It just goes to show me that I come from a long line of crazy people. (It makes me fear for my kids. What have I done passing down my DNA to them?) I can't understand these situations that God keeps presenting me with. After this weekend, I honestly didn't know what to do. I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and remain there for a good long while.

The hardest part of the whole event was the fact that Mark got this voicemail from our realtor after we had this great morning. Mark and Remy went to the lab, first thing in the morning and Remy did great getting her blood drawn. She said it really didn't hurt. Then both kids went right in to Children on the Move at church - gladly! The sermon series has been about parenting and very timely. After church they had an info session on a Dave Ramsey series that the church is doing for thirteen weeks. Also, there was a new friend of mine there, that I know from the neighborhood and her daughter and Remy are in the same class this coming year and they also have a son the same age as Dax... long story short, she and Mark graduated high school together! We were meant to be here!

So when all this happened after a great morning... I crashed. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I felt stronger than that. But, I felt like I just don't know what to do anymore. It's an awful feeling.

Regarding the house. The house has been on the market since the end of March. Early April? We started out listed at 648,000. It is now listed at 599,000. We owe that much in mortgages. That leaves nothing for the realtor, taxes, lawyers, stamps, yada yada yada. We are doing a short sale. Which means any offer that is made goes to the mortgage company to approve. We have nothing to do with it. The offers we have received are 425,000 and the latest is 465,000. But we hear nothing from the bank. There is no follow through, follow up, or communication. An appraiser from the bank was supposedly out at the house. There is no record of it, no one knows anything. Anything we fax (with confirmation of it going through) they say they have never received. Mark spends his days and nights on hold with Chase for either our first, or our second, or the realtor, or the attorney, or the attorney for Chase. (He now calls daily, seriously) No one knows anything. No one has anything. Mark was on hold again tonight and after getting transferred for the umpteenth time, he gets to the person’s voice-mail box, it says, "There is not enough memory for this mailbox. Good bye." Mark says, "You got that right!"

Oh, and the date has been moved up for the auction on the house if it doesn't sell. It was originally going to be auctioned in February. Now it is December 20-something. Merry Christmas! Someone can get a great deal on a house from the bank for Christmas!

We are getting every last thing out of the house this weekend when we are in town. We didn't plan on this. We are getting a storage in IL. I would have rather brought everything up here, so I felt like I actually "had" it. We have no money to rent a trailer. We have no money to rent the storage. We have no money. Period.

Thank the Lord for Mark's office manager at work. She understands our situation, and gives Mark an advance on his paycheck. It doesn't last long, as we buy groceries and meds with it. Or gas for our cars. It makes no sense how fast it's gone. When do those financial classes at church start? Not soon enough!

Kids are still home this week. School starts after the holiday. They are excited to go back to IL for the weekend.
Before we leave, the kids have "Sneak Peek" at school. They drop off supplies and meet their teachers.
I have a feeling this year is going to be a good one. Well, as far as school goes!

So, I had this group interview, for a retail job. I filled out all the paperwork after the interview to get hired. I know they called one of my references. But I have not heard anything else. I was hoping it would all be moving right along... they do orientation that takes a few nights to complete. They also require drug testing before hire. Maybe nothing will happen until after the holiday. I am excited to get out and work and have money to contribute to things we need, like food. medicine. heat. I don't look forward to retail, drama, and hawking the store credit card. But the store discount is sweet.

Work is good for Mark. Thank God for that. Humbly, I really, really thank God for that. It is going well, he seems to like it there and I am thankful it brought us here.

My life couldn't be stranger... even if it were fiction.

Now go watch some Ace of Cakes. Duff can make anything awesome. Out of Cake. Yummmmmm.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Well... that sucked.

I would be referring to the year 2007. I am so glad that a new year has begun. I am hopeful that it's a clean slate. Last year had quite a few really low points. Please, don't get me wrong - I am thankful for every blessing bestowed upon my family and me this past year. But the bad stuff was just, well... big. And, bad.

A lot of what happened in 2007, though it was bad, had to happen. Our lives have been changed in many ways. God is growing us in amazing ways and trusting us with things we didn't really want, but we are so much better off because of. Let me explain. (I think this is more to my benefit, than yours, but humor me.)

I guess it all started in 2006, really. December 26, 2006 will always be referred to, in my mind, as D-Day. It's the day that Remy was diagnosed with diabetes. When something happens to jeopardize the health of your kid, I think you just never relax about it. I am still tense in my shoulders. It just never goes away. You are on alert 24/7 just waiting for some medical emergency. Perhaps, it's just a mom thing. Now, I am not keeping my child in a bubble or anything like that. It just changes you.

A few months later, after a strange chain of events led to some, let's just say, "things" in my marriage, the marital counseling began and the mending of our life had begun. Those days were dark and bleak.

Things were looking much brighter after Mark attended Christ Renews His Parish at our church in May. For the first time, we had Christ in our marriage, together - really. It was a combination of the Mark I once knew and a Mark I had never known. This also became scary, like I wasn't sure I knew this man at all. Or was I the one that had been changed?

In June, Mark lost his job. This was a horrible time in our lives, yet looking back on it now - freeing. Mark was able to spend time with the children at Vacation Bible School. This was a huge deal to me. Mark was also able to take the kids to Diabetes Day Camp for a week. Our family had come together in a way that was unimaginable just a few months prior. It is a time in my life that I felt the closest to Mark than I ever had - more so even than during his transplant.

As side-notes: July marked out tenth wedding anniversary. Mark is currently employed but things are... different.

Every month closer to the end of the year just seemed to worsen. Nothing in particular. I just feel like it was spiraling out of control. Maybe it was just me spiraling out of control.

I made it to Christmas! I hosted my entire family at our home and lived to tell about it! The joy and festivities of Christmas Eve are what I want the kids to remember when they are older, like I remember it as a kid. Then, the day after Christmas came. Since December 26th, I have been severely depressed and unable to function on some days. Thankfully the kids were on break. On the days Mark was off from work, I wouldn't wake up. I was sleeping for fourteen hours or something at a time. Not even because I was tired. Like Cameron in "Ferris Beuller's Day Off", I just couldn't find anything better to do. It's a scary feeling to be so numb to anything and everything, to not feel fully present. I was able to provide for the kids and everything was okay, but I had no energy, no drive, and became hermit-like. When I am really in the pit, I don't answer the phone or make calls out. I can't explain it at all. My counselor says it is very common. I hate it.

Things are looking up. I am learning new things (like, about or finances - we are broke). I am working at having the kids on a better routine during the week. It's making a HUGE difference. I am feeling better as a mother and a wife. The kids seem happier. I also alerted the doctor to my issues about the medicine I am on and had it changed to the name brand from the generic. I think my issues with the depression were from the generic I had been put on right before the holiday. I don't care what anyone says, the generic is NOT the same as the name brand! All in all, since the New Year "rang in", I have a Tabula rasa (Latin: scraped tablet or clean slate) attitude. I don't think things could get much worse than they were in 2007. Pray for us.