Where I'm At

We’ve moved into our new rental home. Everyone in the family is very excited, as it has been almost two and a half years since we have been in a home of our own. Moving has become somewhat of a regular affair for us, regular being a new abode every six months or so… well, twice was to my parents and once was my mother-in-law’s… Still, we’ve packed and unpacked boxes. Some, we just left packed. Until now - we are ready to empty boxes… and the storage unit... and my parent’s basement… and a friend’s basement, too. I can remember when we moved in to the house in Naperville, I said that it would be the last time I ever moved. I wanted to be buried in the backyard I said. That was 6 moves ago. Moving seems like not a big deal anymore. We have learned to live without so much stuff. It’s the people you live with that make the difference. Family makes a house a home. We have been blessed with wonderful families. Oh, how we are blessed.

In September of 2010, our pastor did a sermon series on “Storms”. In my notes, I jotted down what he said that morning (and I haven’t been the same since.) First, I simply wrote “Salt & Light is for others”. Then, “There are people waiting on the other side of the storm”. Then I scribbled Romans 8:28, which is - “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

On that fall morning, I’m not sure I knew what God was saying to me just then. But, I know that those words that came out of Glen Quirk’s mouth were directly from God, directed toward me.  On the other side of my “storm”, people are waiting for me to minister. God put it on my heart to minister in a situation. God wants me to bring someone out of a storm. I want to Glorify Him, Exalt Him and Lead others to Him.

It was that very message that led us to Florida. Many don’t know the reason we moved to Florida in the first place or even understand how we could be moved as an answer to a calling. We moved to Florida because I felt called by God to move to Florida. Mark’s family lives in Jacksonville, and I felt God telling me that we needed to be there. When God speaks, you move. In this case… literally.

We didn’t know what a future in Florida held. We knew that we would be with family and near the beach. We found jobs and a church to call our home in no time at all. But, I didn’t feel God in that place.  I tried. Oh, how hard I tried. And the devil tried harder to attack my every thought and move. So I prayed. And God moved me yet again. Well, all four of us, actually. That’s when we prayerfully decided to move back to Wisconsin. It happened all so fast some people still think we live in Florida, others don’t even know we ever left Wisconsin. I worried that our “mission” in Florida had not been accomplished. What if we didn’t do what God had planned for us to do there? Had we planted a seed? Had we made a difference? We may never know. We simply need to trust that we have been obedient to God’s plan for us.

Around the time we started thinking about moving back to Wisconsin, I read a blog post by author John Katz. He stated, “Sometimes you need to leave the things you love to understand how much you care and how much they mean.” http://www.bedlamfarm.com/blog/2011/05/20/a-tough-place-to-leave-video-off-to-new-york/. Anyone that is familiar with Kohler knows it is a special place. Often times it feels surreal, in both a “Pleasantville” and “Stepford” kind of way. There were a number of reasons we considered when it came to our move back that had to do with the schools, jobs, and church, down to simply missing living in the Midwest. The old sayings, “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone” and “you can take the girl out of the [Midwest] but not the [Midwest] outta the girl”, certainly can stand true.

But on the other side of things, recently while listening to Joyce Meyer on the radio regarding developing discipline, she said, “You need to stay where you want to run away from – there is work to be done!” Wow. That hit me hard. When we left here a year ago, I was running. I was running from people, places and things… I often still feel like I want to crawl under a proverbial rock and hide. Some of this stems from my depression, some from our recent (and past) circumstances, or simply it’s from my own baggage. But just as I felt God was telling me to get out of the boat in the storm because people were waiting for me in Florida… there were also people I left here in Wisconsin with my unfinished story, when I had just begun telling it (or living it, for that matter). I know that God is working in me here… and I have much work to do. I have a lot yet to learn and much to embrace where I am at. This was confirmed to me today, as our new pastor said “As we are preached to, we then do the preaching.” We use our personal stories and experiences to give out the truth and love of God’s Word. And so it continues, here in Kohler, Wisconsin. More to come…

I Am

Needless to say, many things have been very difficult for me. I hold fast to God and know that He is always here for us. Some days I am still and simply know that God is the great I AM. Other days are a storm and I am raging! That’s for sure. And I am screaming – literally – that He calms His child. We are very much like children, in that we can’t wait for Him to reveal all that He has planned for us. I am already reminded, almost daily, of some wonderful thing that He has done for us in this state, place, and church, in our fellowships and friendships and connections. God’s fingerprints are on EVERYTHING. Most days it's harder to see than others, but I feel truly blessed here

We continue to ask for your prayers and support as we walk with our Lord. What a journey (and adventure) it is!

In Him, Candace and Family

She Speaks

After moving here I felt a bit lost. Not only had we moved to an entirely different state, it was away from all my family, friends and our church. I had never lived anywhere other than Illinois. Though somehow, Mark and I knew that God brought us to this place. Somehow, this was going to be a defining part of our journey. And, this is where it would happen. A year later where we fondly call home, we have jobs, a new rental home, a church family and wonderful friends. But more importantly we truly believe that we live by Jeremiah 29:11, we have hope and faith.

Even with things feeling settled and comfortable, I was just feeling that I was missing 'something'. It felt as if there was a piece missing, I was lacking. I finally realized, I wanted to know what I was going to be when I grow up. The only problem was, I wanted to know right now! I know that God doesn't deliver like that, so I simply prayed about it. I asked others to pray for me. I wanted a revelation of sorts, some inkling of an idea that would lead me to discover my holy calling, my purpose, exactly how to use my God given gifts and talents. I really didn't expect it to happen all at once, like in a complete package. Huh, funny though, how He works. God delivered.

It's a bit of a blur how it all happened, how it came to be in my mind and heart. All I know is that I want to go back to college. I want to major in religious studies. I want to write. I want to write articles in magazines and on blogs. I want to improve my own blog (I do have bigger, better things for this here blog in the works!). I want to do what so many have been telling me to do for years, and that is to write a book. I want to speak at conferences. I have a hidden desire to do something related to Christian radio. I want to share how everything in my life lead me to God, and how I almost 'missed it', so that others don't miss out, too. I want to 'be there' for other women, where ever they are on their faith walk, to tell them they are not alone. I want others to see what I've got, and want a little bit of it, too.

Sounds like a lot of "I wants" when I look back at that paragraph, but it's not really about me. I feel in my heart that what I am hearing is God saying, "I want... you to... write about finding God in the hardest of places like, relationships, parenting and 'working' for God's glory. Help others suffering from depression, struggling to be accepted by society and those who are lost seeking spirituality in other forms to find Me. I want... you to... find new avenues to spread the Gospel, to tell others how much I truly love them and that I want for nothing other than for others to recognize what is available to them."

The best part of it all, is that I just learned of an opportunity to make it all become reality. There's a thing called the She Speaks Conference. To quote their website, it's a "life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus". The conference equips women who have the desire to speak, write, or be a stronger leader for Christ. I am taking a chance at winning a scholarship to attend She Speaks this summer in North Carolina. You can read more about this valuable scholarship opportunity over at Lysa TerKeurt's Proverbs 31 Ministry site.

I think when I knocked, God opened the door to even bigger and better things than I ever even imagined. I mean, really, what were the chances I find out about She Speaks and the scholarship opportunity yesterday and the deadline to enter the scholarship is tomorrow (a mere few hours away!), Friday March 27th! Mark and I used to say, "It's crazy!" We no longer say that, now we say, "It's God!" Wish me luck!

The latest and not so greatest!

Well, there is so much going on that I don’t even know where to begin.

The house foreclosed and was auctioned. We tried to sell the house as a short sale. We originally listed the house at $648,000. We were getting offers for $520,000 to $550,000. The bank would not accept any of those offers. However, they auctioned and sold for less than we bought the house for in 2004. You know, somewhere around $400,000. I guess they write off the loss, then make more back by selling it for way over that $500,000 price later and make big bucks in the end. We tried to make it right. We can only say we tried. It’s a messed up world these days.

We moved from one rental in town to another in December. We had been renting the first floor of a house a few blocks a way. It was 2 bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom and a big kitchen. We had the basement too. We now have an entire house! The kids finally have their own rooms. It’s a lovely location. The house was auctioned (ironic, we know) and completely redone (from what we hear it was a mess!). We are reaping the benefits. It’s been great. We love living here, in this house and in town and in this state!

We returned the Tahoe to the dealership. Gave the car back and said thanks, it’s been fun. We were able to get a leased car from Mark’s work for me to drive. We did this only because Mark’s truck got totaled and the snow was so bad, he couldn’t make it to IL in a snowstorm. So, he literally bought the car and came to IL to get us and take us home. We had been renting a car and borrowing a car from dear friends of ours up here. Praise God for them! We returned their car so their sixteen-year-old son could drive it after receiving his license. Yay! Mark now drives a loaner (called a demo) from his work until we can afford to buy him one for cash.

A few days before we moved into this house, Mark picked up a trailer to hitch to the truck and move all our stuff here. About a block from the rental, he got in an accident. Totaled the truck and the trailer he had just rented. So he rented a moving van the next day and moved all our stuff (sore from the accident) into the new house in a HUGE snowstorm.

My job(s): I was working at both the kennel and the dog day care. I am now only working the kennel. I work about 20 hours a month. It has been great. I am able to work at night or weekends. Occasionally, I work mornings and midday. I go in for an hour. Let the dogs out, feed them, and play with them. Do some clean up. Check in and check out clients. It’s been a great source of extra income. I left the day care as I felt it was going against my passion and my calling, so I quit. It’s too bad, but it was best for our family.

Remy has new endocrinologists at Children’s in Milwaukee. A long time ago she tested positive for indicators of celiac’s disease. She will be having an endoscopy and biopsy of her intestines in early April. The biopsy is the only way to truly confirm celiac’s disease. Should the biopsy prove positive, it would mean a gluten free diet. The GI doc said we would all have the lab work done too, and if any of us show the indicators, we too get the biopsy. Regardless, we will all take on eating this way, as it will just be easier. It won’t be easier on the pocket book, but we’ll make it work! More trips to Trader Joe’s and the specialty food stores. I will have to cook a lot more and that is scary for everyone! ;)

Mark’s dad is not doing so well. He was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Then this past weekend he fell and broke his hip. They operated Monday and he was doing okay. No one had seen him, but the doctors said he was fine. Well, Mark’s sister said you couldn’t understand 80% of what he was talking about. Then the doctors were asking about DNR orders, wills and his ‘wishes’ today. We are not sure if he is going to make it. Mark is leaving tomorrow to see his family in Florida. Please pray for the family.

My depression has remained pretty much the same. I am bummed at how heavy I am these days. I know that if the medicine is helping me, I shouldn’t care. But, I miss the skinnier version of me. The thing that really sucks is that I just feel like something is wrong with me. I am just ‘not right’. I have been sleeping A TON. I can sleep until one in the afternoon. It has been gorgeous out, so sunny and warm. I want to get outside and do things. But I am too depressed. I just want to eat chips and Cadbury eggs and watch TV. It takes time. I am patient with myself. Are others as patient with me? Do they understand? I wonder. I sometimes wonder if I care if they understand. Only those with depression I think can truly understand.

I have been really glad to be involved in my Bible study. We are studying Paul, which has been great for me! Also, I all of a sudden ‘get’ huge portions of the Bible. This too is hard to describe, but I am just so into learning it and absorbing it! I am reading Thessalonians for church. Had been reading Acts, Romans and Philemon for study and Matthew on my own. Never in my life did I think I would LOVE reading the Bible as much as I do. I have had a huge revelation, something I had been praying for and asking others to pray for me for. I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I think I finally figured it out! I’ll save that for another entry though. It deserves it’s own.

Santa's Little Helper

It's hard to believe how fast time is flying. I am starting to think about how I am going to shop for Christmas gifts, wondering where all our Christmas decor might possibly be (Here? In storage?). I am getting anxious for Christmas music... do they have a station here like in Chicago that plays all Christmas music from Turkey Day to New Years? This will be our first Christmas away from IL. It's going to be strange, for sure. I am thinking positive that it will still be as meaningful, cozy and full of love that it always is. It's what the season is about, no matter where you are. Er, I am.

Even though in recent seasons Christmas has come to mean more to me than just cookie exchanges (though I love them!) and gingerbread lattes (okay, love those, too!), there is a fun tradition we (okay, I) began with the kids. I was introduced to this fun tradition in our neighborhood a few years back. Elves.

Yes, elves from the North Pole visit us from December 1st until Christmas Eve. In some homes, each child might have an elf assigned to them, or one elf might watch over all the children. These elves of course have a job while at the North Pole, and if/when they get their work done they can come and stay with your kids and report on their behavior to ol’ Mr. Kringle. Then on Christmas Eve when Santa delivers, he also picks up the elves and takes them home with him.

The elves do as much or as little as you like. North Pole Magic has done all the work for you, with their 25-day fun calendar and elf notes, kits, goodies, treats and more. We just up the naughty factor ‘round here. Our elves tend to get into a LOT of trouble at night while they are with us. They have TPed the bathroom, hung Dax’s underwear on the Christmas tree and rearranged the entire pantry. Now, they aren’t always naughty. These elves will play a game of Uno at night with the Barbies, or read ALL the books that were on the bookshelf. They bring a new DVD or special PJ’s for the kids. It all depends on how tired mom is. I mean ‘they’ are… the elves… How tired the elves are! The children have been sad to see them go many a year. The first year Remy cried for Delaney to stay. That's her elf's name. She is a horse-toy-maker. Dax’s elf, Spencer, is in charge of the car department at the North Pole!

I just hope that Remy is not too old this year. Both my kids still talk about Santa, so I think I might have another year or so until Remy has to keep mum for her brother. I want them to 'believe' for a while yet. Keep them young as long as we can. Keep that magic alive.

Take a trip to the North Pole Magic and see who can come visit your kids for the season. One of the women that own the company was a neighbor of mine in IL. She is a sweet, sweet gal that adores Christmas-time and she is so passionate about making this fun for the kids, and making a memory for the children to last the whole month through. Or throughout the years to come, even.

The kids in the old neighborhood already had elves. When our kids got them all the kids would play together with their elves. Kids even dressed like the elves for Halloween around there! I got my sister hooked, and her girls have them - imagine the fun when all the cousins get together! It's elfin madness! Grandpa got one when he retired too, because he was going to get into too much trouble with all that free time on his hands, so he needed someone to keep him in line and report to the Man in Red!

Unlike all the other holiday decorations, I have the elves, I know where they are and I am ready for their arrival. But what will they do next, this year? I can’t wait!

How could I be so thick?

That was me yesterday. A total dumb a**.

Let me just preface the details by saying this: There was a time after we moved up here, not long ago, that the calendar was crisp, clean and blank. The date was the only thing that appeared on the white 2"x 3" square. It felt like I could breathe. I was free! I was 'available'.

Here is the calendar now...



I am the orange, Dax is green, Remy is pink and Mark is blue.

Well, now that we need to be three places at one time I am royally screwing it up. I will share.

Yesterday, Remy had her first Brownies outing - a hike in the woods. No problem. It's just up the road. Right? In Candace's world maybe. I went to the golf course on the wrong road that had a similar name. Oops. Then I went to the right place - so I thought. In the woods. I drove in places I didn't think I was supposed to be driving, for.ev.er. At one point I think I went to drive on the golf cart path. I might have actually been driving on the golf path for all I know. We ended up at the private "members only" lodge, and I finally saw someone that wasn't fishing, shooting something or driving a golf cart to ask if I was even close to our destination.

"Nope, haven't seen any Girl Scouts here!" It was suggested we "try the other golf course, by the carts, there's a bridge, by the river. Look there. There's only 25 miles of "park"." No problem. By this point I am so mad at myself - I assumed I knew where I was going. I had all the Girl Scout paperwork to be handed in, but not the paperwork about the FIELD TRIP. This was the first event for the girls so I had no personal information to call anyone. They tried calling us at home, but we were driving around God's beautiful creation at that particular moment. But do note: In between my fits of anger and road rage I would point out pheasants and fish among God’s autumnal backdrop - how beautiful it looked at that particular moment. Then I went right back to white knuckles and gritted teeth.

Evil powers that be: "Oh, to be so silly Candace - you've only lived here six months. Did you think you could get comfortable yet!? You are still a visitor in these here parts."

By the time we got back home, it was forty minutes into what was supposed to be Remy’s field trip. Dax had to eat and get ready to leave for soccer practice - in twenty minutes. He normally doesn't eat before practice, but this night he had a Cub Scouts den meeting right when soccer ended.

I consoled Remy and told her how sorry I was that she ended up with me as her mother. I started boiling water for noodles. I attempted to make two pb&j sandwiches with only two pieces of bread. Cupboards are so very bare. Ooaaahh - GROCERIES! We need to get groceries! A desperate cry out to me, “Soccer clothes are missing Mom.” Ugh. “Check the dryer!”

A mere ten minutes later: I lost it. Hysterically, tearfully lost it. I called in for backup. Why yes, yes, that cry you heard at exactly 4:30 pm was me. I only break down and give up when I know that I can. I know that Mark is only seven minutes from home. So he can help me. He can SAVE me. Save me from myself. Exactly the call Mark hates to get at work - “help put out the fires your wife has created”. October is Fire Safety month you know. I had to get his help then and there, as tomorrow he would be in IL for work. Which we learned about today, the day before tomorrow. No notice needed, I guess. Just be at work at 5:00 am tomorrow and plan on getting home late. Great. Now I'm thinking about how I have to get everyone up, fed, lunches made and actually walk them to school. On top of it, that makes another day Mark won't be home for dinner. (I had planned on frozen pizza for dinner, but Mark didn't get those at the store last night, either. Whaa...)

You know what it is? It's the full moon. Tonight. Just to mess with me. There, I placed blame. I feel a little better.

Truth be told, it's just that I have way too much going on and I am holding it all inside. NOTE! **This is not the place to go into it. Not talking about it. Please don't decide to talk about it in my comments.** But it is because of that stuff that I lost it the way I did. Now come on, I know I can be strong. I've done strong. Remember? It was six years ago during the transplant episode, then through the first hernia episode, then the last hernia, well, yah, okay... I lost it during that one, but the week Mark had to stay in the hospital due to the funky blood thing and he could've died at work because he always says nothing's wrong with him, but when a guy at work says he looks yellow he finally listens after we had been saying it to him all along (I now digress...), come on that time I was way strong. Look how far I've come with strong. Strong! Strong like bull! Well, you know what? I am done with strong. I became strong through Christ Jesus and I know that for sure. But, I think it's time I loosen the reigns a bit. A lot a bit. Time to give Jesus the driver's seat, forget about my co-pilot. No, you know what, I just think I'm going to let Him carry me.

Maybe I'll finally end up in the right place. Without any tears. And with happy children. Some day. Because today?

I can't even come up with a clever title. I got nothing.

Well, we survived our trip to IL. We had a ton more stuff in that house than we thought we did. We were going to share a storage unit with my brother and ended up taking up the whole thing almost. We got to see old near and dear friends. Kids got to see their cousins and we went to the Brookfield Zoo. We got to see Stingray Bay. We ate pizza (my favorite food group). I had coffee with my girlfriends. I needed that so much (the pizza, coffee and girlfriends!). Remy got to see her friends at her old school and visit with them at lunch! We ended up staying an extra night, which worked out okay.

We have survived the first two weeks of school. It's absolutely crazy. I can't believe my kids are in school-school. With all the homework and figuring out what the kids have on what day and what is due when. I said lastnight I am like an official mom now. This makes it feel really real. I actually think I can feel them growing up. Maybe because it hurts a little. To see them grow up so fast.

I have been crazy busy and then again I have been a whole bunch of nothing. I saw a few doctors here. Had the ultrasound done, which showed no abnormalities. So, it's not menopause. That's good. I should assume that the sweats (I have them right now in fact) are from my antidepressants?

Got a letter in the mail the other day from that department store I interviewed with. Said "Though I displayed great qualities, I am not what that particular department store looks for in an employee." Wha? At first I was like all mad. I just got turned down for a job. In retail. Isn't it hard to not get a job in retail? But really, I felt so relieved. I don't really want to go back to work. But, I kind of need to go back to work. But after the way these last two weeks have gone, what with the meeting after meeting and event after event and homework and serving dinner at nine o'clock, I'd never have been able to pull off the job. Still trying to figure out what I should do to make some extra money.

The house. First offer was denied. We received another offer this week for 500,000 (it's listed at 599,000) and hoping that the mortgage company will accept this offer for a short sale. Mark has finally befriended a guy at Chase that has been so helpful. Finally a decent human being at the mortgage company! Pray for a sale! We need closure and to move forward people!

My brother made a delivery late last night of some of the kids’ toys (there is actually more to come up here!), the winter coats and my fall/winter shoes. Again, we are living amongst boxes! You can't walk through the kitchen without tripping. Dax is so happy to have his Diego toys back again and his favorite matchbox of a “White Sox” semi. He he. He has all his cars spread out all over the floor. It's like Christmas. Or like trying to walk over hot coals.

Looking forward to the weekend. Dax has a soccer game in the morning. It's "away". Remy has a playdate with a new friend. I am glad that she has bonded with her, as we are also getting to know her family. They go to our church, too. It's nice to be doing things. It's nice to go to the store and run into people you know. I’m trying to think less about what others think of me. (Another reason I am glad to be here... as I've said before, I feel like I can finally be "me.") I am trying to listen when others talk and learn about them. It’s hard for me to not talk. I love to talk. I am trying to remember peoples' names. There are so many to remember. There are a lot of really nice people I want to remember. It feels like home. Not a vacation destination, anymore. I am feeling like I have always been here. Or maybe I feel like I belong.

This is when I feel like things are too good to be true. I feel like the fall is coming.

Say goodnight

Again with the lyrics... but JoBros said it man - Hold on tight, It's a roller coaster ride we're on, So say goodbye 'cause I won't be back again, Up and down, You're all around, Say goodnight and goodbye.

There has been so much going on and I have wanted to post for a couple weeks. When I try to put it all together all I can think is to randomly list what I can of it all...

Remy has been having high blood sugars. I am not overly concerned. I assume she is growing.
Mark has been having low blood sugars. Ugh, I hate this. It reminds me of the days when we were dating and he would get low. It scares me. His transplant just can't go bad. It can't.

Mark recently had his A1c done, and it was high - 8.9
Remy's last A1c came down since her last one, 8.4 from 8.9
I am worried that Remy's is still going to be high when we go in this week to see the endocrinologist.
I worry about Mark, that with his blood sugars going so high and so low, he's going to end up back on a pump.

My folks came out to visit us a week or so ago. They went and looked at some houses while they were here.
None of them were in the exact town that we live in. There are some great houses that would be perfect for them!

The house in Illinois. I don't know if I even want to talk about it. But you wouldn't even believe some of the things that have been going on. The play area in the basement has a shelf with a rod attached to it for the dress up clothes. My folks found it on the floor of the playroom, completely ripped out of the wall. All the things that were on it were strewn all over the room. There was a toilet completely, how shall I say... "full" and clogged. The whole house smelled of it, I guess. One of the blue stone stepping stones from the back yard was stolen. Someone keeps smoking on the back deck. There were muddy footprints on the pool cover. One time when my folks stopped at the house to check on things, the neighbor took the liberty to let his party guests' children use our swing set. The kicker was this last week though. My mom went back to the house to take care of the toilets. They get so gross just sitting there. Molding. The first toilet she went to was in the Master Bath Room on the first floor. Inside the toilet was a squirrel. Yeah, dead. I'll let you take that in for a minute. How does that even happen? Someone had to put it there. Seriously.

This past weekend was a nightmare with an Open House at the IL house. I won't get into it in detail. I'll just say there is some kind of egotistical battle between our realtor, her husband and my parents. Ugh. Enough already!

It just goes to show me that I come from a long line of crazy people. (It makes me fear for my kids. What have I done passing down my DNA to them?) I can't understand these situations that God keeps presenting me with. After this weekend, I honestly didn't know what to do. I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and remain there for a good long while.

The hardest part of the whole event was the fact that Mark got this voicemail from our realtor after we had this great morning. Mark and Remy went to the lab, first thing in the morning and Remy did great getting her blood drawn. She said it really didn't hurt. Then both kids went right in to Children on the Move at church - gladly! The sermon series has been about parenting and very timely. After church they had an info session on a Dave Ramsey series that the church is doing for thirteen weeks. Also, there was a new friend of mine there, that I know from the neighborhood and her daughter and Remy are in the same class this coming year and they also have a son the same age as Dax... long story short, she and Mark graduated high school together! We were meant to be here!

So when all this happened after a great morning... I crashed. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I felt stronger than that. But, I felt like I just don't know what to do anymore. It's an awful feeling.

Regarding the house. The house has been on the market since the end of March. Early April? We started out listed at 648,000. It is now listed at 599,000. We owe that much in mortgages. That leaves nothing for the realtor, taxes, lawyers, stamps, yada yada yada. We are doing a short sale. Which means any offer that is made goes to the mortgage company to approve. We have nothing to do with it. The offers we have received are 425,000 and the latest is 465,000. But we hear nothing from the bank. There is no follow through, follow up, or communication. An appraiser from the bank was supposedly out at the house. There is no record of it, no one knows anything. Anything we fax (with confirmation of it going through) they say they have never received. Mark spends his days and nights on hold with Chase for either our first, or our second, or the realtor, or the attorney, or the attorney for Chase. (He now calls daily, seriously) No one knows anything. No one has anything. Mark was on hold again tonight and after getting transferred for the umpteenth time, he gets to the person’s voice-mail box, it says, "There is not enough memory for this mailbox. Good bye." Mark says, "You got that right!"

Oh, and the date has been moved up for the auction on the house if it doesn't sell. It was originally going to be auctioned in February. Now it is December 20-something. Merry Christmas! Someone can get a great deal on a house from the bank for Christmas!

We are getting every last thing out of the house this weekend when we are in town. We didn't plan on this. We are getting a storage in IL. I would have rather brought everything up here, so I felt like I actually "had" it. We have no money to rent a trailer. We have no money to rent the storage. We have no money. Period.

Thank the Lord for Mark's office manager at work. She understands our situation, and gives Mark an advance on his paycheck. It doesn't last long, as we buy groceries and meds with it. Or gas for our cars. It makes no sense how fast it's gone. When do those financial classes at church start? Not soon enough!

Kids are still home this week. School starts after the holiday. They are excited to go back to IL for the weekend.
Before we leave, the kids have "Sneak Peek" at school. They drop off supplies and meet their teachers.
I have a feeling this year is going to be a good one. Well, as far as school goes!

So, I had this group interview, for a retail job. I filled out all the paperwork after the interview to get hired. I know they called one of my references. But I have not heard anything else. I was hoping it would all be moving right along... they do orientation that takes a few nights to complete. They also require drug testing before hire. Maybe nothing will happen until after the holiday. I am excited to get out and work and have money to contribute to things we need, like food. medicine. heat. I don't look forward to retail, drama, and hawking the store credit card. But the store discount is sweet.

Work is good for Mark. Thank God for that. Humbly, I really, really thank God for that. It is going well, he seems to like it there and I am thankful it brought us here.

My life couldn't be stranger... even if it were fiction.

Now go watch some Ace of Cakes. Duff can make anything awesome. Out of Cake. Yummmmmm.

Never say never

Will we be moving back to Illinois? Mark got a call from a previous employer (the one on the Indiana border that took him two hours to get to) asking him if he's happy here, because he is "the man" for the new store they are opening next week. Mark told him he'd think about it. His theory is we could at least move back into our house, restructure our loan (aka not foreclosing) and maybe remain on our feet. Is there such a thing in that hoity-toity lifestyle known as Joe-ville? If you read a few posts ago, I said I'd never move back to IL. The lifestyle there is not really conducive for our physical, mental and financial well being. Don't get me wrong, there are so many great things about where we lived (like my family being so close) but I don't think I can do it, again. It's a nice place to visit. But I feel so good when I leave there. I am getting so settled here. I am actually making friends! I have even applied for part-time work so I can make 6 dollars an hour and work some 15 hours a week! Move back now? I don't think so. I said I'd never move from IL. But I can't honestly believe that God's plan is for us to move back to the hell that is the Chicago 'burbs.

It rocked!

So, on Father's Day we headed back to Illinois. The kids and I stayed at my folks. Monday morning was the beginning of Vacation Bible School and in the afternoon, Dax had safety town. The kids got to play with their friends from school. We watched the premiere of Camp Rock. Mark came down and spent a couple of days back "home". The kids had their birthday party with the family over the weekend. The next Monday then was Camp Discovery. This is the Diabetes Camp. Both Remy and Dax attended. It's Dax's favorite. It was a wonderful two weeks. It is great to go back and visit. I know that I never want to go back and live there again. By the end of two weeks I was more than ready to go back to what I now consider "home". From the moment we got back to Illinois, I was busy, rushed and edgy. I was so happy to see friends and see the kids having fun with their old friends. It's a great feeling to have that when we go back. It's just different up north. I know that this was what was meant for us. This is where God wanted us to grow.

Before we left for Illinois, we did find our new church home. Many of you were asking how our "shopping" was going. I had found the church online and listened to some sermons, and they hit the spot. We attended one Sunday and a few classmates of the kids' were there. They have a great children's ministry, so Remy & Dax were able to get acclimated. The sermon we attended was as if it was directed to us. Then at the end, the song that was playing quietly in the background was the song that Mark had picked for the end of his witness. I looked over at Mark and he had tears in his eyes. There was a youth event for all families that evening and we planned to go. While we were there we spent a good amount of time talking with the pastor and his wife. Wonderful people. We felt so welcomed and at home. They are going to have a new sermon series that will be held during one evening a week. There will be a sermon, then break out sessions. It's about recovery. Mark and I really want to be involved. Since our CRHP experience, we want to reach out to the community. This new series will be open to anyone including outside the congregation. Slowly, I think bits and pieces of God's plan are being revealed to us.

I am so impatient. I want to know what is going to happen, what is to come. I want to know now. But God doesn't work that way. All this character building. I am really trying to let go and let God. But it's hard. I have days that I feel so close to God, and then others I feel so lost and far away from anything God wants for me. What does God want me to do here? I am reading the book 'For This I Was Born: Aligning Your Vision to God's Cause' by Brian Houston of Hillsong in Australia. I have every other page dog-eared with pencil scribblings and markings all down the pages. It is a good book for where I feel I am at, and Mark, too. It helps take some of the angst out of every day life. Each day is a gift. Now, what are you going to do with yours?

Why we love it here...

I Hate Shopping *updated

My kids will tell you that I said hate, a bad word. In our house, bad words are hate, dumb, stupid and Remy gets the spelling of h-e-l-l, not that we say it around here, or that she really gets it I don't think. She learned at school, trying to rhyme words and spell words. How would she know? It's never used in a negative context, it's the opposite of heaven as far as she knows. It's a noun. Anyway, what I should say is that I really dislike shopping. There was a time I was like any other teenage girl, and could shop til I dropped. As I have gotten older, I hate nothing more than setting foot in a mall, especially if it involves any article of clothing for myself, even more so if I have to try things on. It's depressing. Not fun.

Well, now that we are somewhat settled up here, the shopping has begun. A different kind of shopping. Church shopping. I don't know who coined that phrase, but it's what we are doing. Sunday we went to an ELCA church up the road. I looked it up online and learned more about their community. Big nice building, it's been added on to as it's grown, has a mom's bible study during the week like Good Shepherd had. There's only so much you can tell from pictures though. Mark said a few times as we would drive past, "I really think we should try there." Can't judge a book by it's cover... er, a church by it's steeple?

So we got up and ready last Sunday and ventured off to First United. Around here in the summer, services change to one service on Sundays and one on Thursday evenings. The summer service schedule started with this past Sunday, and the time was good. Driving to the church and finding a place to park, I felt how nervous I was. Why was I so nervous? I kept asking God to keep my heart open to this new place. We found our way in and got seated. We sat toward the back. Inside it was more wide than deep. It was interesting. I noticed that the ceiling was like a hull of a boat. All beautiful woodwork. The decor on the other walls was all religious nautical. If there is such a thing!?

The pastor was nice enough. But, I couldn't get past the traditional service. They had kneelers, a small orchestra, and don't forget your red hymnals folks. I actually began to cry during the third or fourth hymn, and we'd only been there a few moments. It was kneel if you are able, stand if you are able, red hymnal, kneel, stand, red hymnal, sit, hymnal, hymnal, stand, sit, sermon, and we left. I think Mark could either tell how uncomfortable I was, or the pastor just didn't do it for him either.

I missed the Eighth Day band, the words on a screen for me to read (I have never ever been able to find any songs or pages in a hymnal, ever, I fluster through it so horribly!), jeans and casual dress and mostly Pastors Greg, Gary and Bob. I missed actual bread with wine. I don't like dipping a wafer. I missed smiles across the pew and my friends' hugs in the Narthex . I missed my kids getting excited to see their friends, too. I felt depressed.

But wait, there's more to the story. Tuesday's tale is coming.

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*Updated with Tuesday's tale...

So, I went back to the drawing board. In this case, the internet. I started looking up all the churches in the area and checked out web sites for the those that had them. I looked in to what the church's mission is, learned about the pastor if I was able, what they offered for the children, not to mention all the ministries and small groups each had to offer for Mark and me. I really enjoy being able to listen to previous sermons online, too. One church near here that I was excited to check out, as they were MS and offered a contemporary service, had the sermons on-line! Well, I listened to two and a half sermons. Suffice it to say, we would not be shopping at that church. I had to stop two of them half way through. I really couldn't believe some of what I was hearing, I think more because of the way it was being presented. I am not one for sermons that point proverbial fingers, blame and pour on the "you are a sinner, sinner, sinner, sinner!" All I heard from these few sermons was the bible is a bunch of rules to be followed, and that no matter how we try - we will never live up to being able to follow said rules. Give me a bunch of rules and tell me I'll never amount to anything? Well than, sure, rules are made to be broken when you say it like that! I just might be a bit stubborn, though too, and that's what I hear.

What I became used to in sermons was learning about a relationship with Christ, and how to incorporate that into my everyday life. How we should be salt and light. Instead of pointing a finger at me from the pulpit and telling me what I'll never do because of all I've done... tell me about Jesus. Tell me what Jesus did while he was here, will you please? Jesus shared the love of God sometimes just by "being there" for someone. I can do that, I already do. He was a friend to sinners. Takes one to know one, right? He told Martha to chill out in the kitchen and just sit at his feet, like Mary. We all need to chill. I got this daily devotion from Purpose Driven Life and I think it says perfectly what I am trying to say:

"The good news is you’re able to enter into a relationship with God through an attitude of trust in Jesus Christ; not through religion, rules, regulations, or rituals. When we trust our lives to Jesus Christ we’re given three incredible, fabulous, wonderful benefits. So, when we tell others about the good news, we can let them know: God forgives your past; he gives you purpose in the present; and, he offers you a future."

And this one from another daily devotional:

"Something happens to you when you want to try to act like Jesus. You begin to change, not all at once, but you do change. What you want begins to change. Your whole life takes on a different focus. As I began to change, my family thought I was flipping out! It didn’t happen for me overnight. It took a long time to change bad habits but God placed His hand on my life that day and has continued to guide my every step. My life didn’t change at home. I was still living in a dangerous place but because I was willing to let God turn me into a new creation, my attitude began to change. And I hung in there because I finally had Someone who loved me, and I had a lot of wonderful Christian people who cared for me. God’s plan for us is that we all become a Christian. He doesn’t care what we’ve done or where we’ve been. He just wants to take us right where we are and begin a good work in us. When we make the choice, God makes the change. The first critical step toward a relationship with God is trusting Jesus Christ to be the leader of your life. Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6, NIV)

Good Shepherd changed my life in so many ways, for the better. At one point during CRHP I think the community at church literally saved my life. I was really in a dark valley with Mark, we were very close to just some bad stuff and possibly divorce. The small groups, ministries and CRHP helped me through. I was able to confront Mark about where we were in our marriage and what was going on. It was the beginning of laying it all out there and talking it out. We started to work on our marriage. It led to everything we've been through the last year. So, to me, Good Shepherd is a tough act to follow. I pray to God that I have an open mind to all the churches we visit, and we'll know when it feels right. Through all we've been through, we know God is leading us in the right direction.

When we visited up here, months ago, before we moved, we drove past one particular church. I commented "Oh, look, they have their own green box!" There was a church near us in Illinois known as the Yellow Box. A very contemporary church on the move. Some of what Good Shepherd was incorporating into it's ministry was from Yellow Box. One of Mark's CRHP brothers was a member of Yellow Box. (People, the church is not called yellow box, but it's what the building looks like, a big. yellow. box.) I quickly followed my comment saying, "I shouldn't joke, that will probably be our church!"

So Tuesday morning after I listened to the other sermons, I then tried out the sermons online from what I will call, the green box. ;) Did they ever hit the spot. Everything I was used to and more. The pastor made a statement in one sermon that was exactly the spot Mark and I are in living up here. It spoke to me on so many levels. The site also listed their play lists from each service and all of them were songs that we know and sing along to on KLOVE or other christian stations. (There are few few few up here, but that's what the internet is for!) The church has all different kinds of programs for children, men and women. (And you can't beat free doughnuts and Starbucks coffee before services, right?) This was the next stop on our shopping adventure! I was excited to try this new place. Can you believe I was nervous at the last church? I think that says a lot!

Honor and Remember

Village Parade

Our neighbor's house

Thank you to our servicemen,

past and present,

for our safety and freedom.

He is in this place.

Mark's been working on his witness for his CRHP (pronounced 'chirp', google it) weekend. I am so proud of him. He dragged his feet about going (I thought it was because I wanted him to go). Mark was just not ready for it. God knew what He was doing. So, that first year he signed up and a few days before the renewal weekend he backed out. Then, that fall I went to Women's CRHP. The following spring he went. It was best that he didn't go that first year, as there was a certain witness he needed to hear when he did. I think it was the one that changed him forever. This year, Mark is a witnesser. So much of our lives changed for each of us with that one weekend. It's what brought us here.

So, tonight I was helping Mark pick out his songs for before and after his witness. They are perfect - Hold Fast by MercyMe and Song of Hope by Robbie Seay Band. He really picked them, there were a few others, so we read the lyrics and listened to the songs together, and these two are like I said... perfect...

After the kids went to bed, Mark hit the computer again to work on his presentation. I took the dogs out one last time for the night. It's pretty amazing here (to me). The moon shone so bright, just that little sliver of it that there was. The stars, so many stars, winking back at me. I, personally, like the constant hum from the factory across the street. (A lot of people say it takes some getting used to. I like white noise, so I don't even notice it. I notice when I don't hear it!) As I took it all in, it just hit me. This was a moment with God, and I began talking with Him. I didn't even notice I was bawling. The dog jumped up to me and "hugged" me, she freaks when anyone is crying. But, I was okay. It's okay. I am finally beginning to be, just... me. I think I am happy, for once, in my skin. My husband and my children, the way we are together here is unlike before. Better. So much better. He is in this place, here with me. With us.

This is probably the second time in my life that I felt Jesus' presence. Have you ever felt Him with you? I'm not talking about a sign from God. Those can be misinterpreted, I think. You look into anything hard enough and you can make it mean whatever you want. I mean His presence. It wasn't that long ago, the first time I did. My CRHP group was doing a form of meditative prayer. As I sat in a dark room with only the sound of others' breathing, my palms up, repeating "Peaceful Counselor" over and over silently in my head, I felt Jesus. I actually felt Jesus. It was as if he was resting on me, leaning on me. As if to let me know I was finally "getting it". It may sound crazy. To me, I felt blessed. I was at peace. I felt so alive when I walked out of that room that night.

Tonight wasn't so much like that. But I surely felt His presence. I know that it is by God's grace we are even here. This move is what is meant to be. (We don't know how long that will last, but for now it is. God will let us know the truth.) I am only human, so I still worry what will happen to us next, or how we will be tested for His Glory. But then I think that it's all God's plan and it is for our good, and not harm (Jer. 29:11). Then, I know it's all going to be okay. Sometimes that only lasts a moment. So, I have to pray again. Again. And again.

I have not read or heard Mark's witness. Mark said he will do his practice presentation for me. I feel so proud and honored to hear it. I know Mark has quite a story to tell. It will tell of his childhood, his transplant, and pretty sure our marriage. I am certain, though, it will be more about his relationship with Jesus, past and present, and the dark times in between Mark was in disguise as a true follower. I think I will see my husband, quite possibly, for the first time. His hope is to make a difference for one person, as one made the difference for him that weekend a year ago. I pray for all the men attending this renewal weekend that this is true.

I can't even come up with a title. How sad.

I guess Dax asked if the church on the corner is our new church. Mark said that we can certainly check it out. Mark calls Dax our Holy Spirit. It started me thinking about all I left behind. One night last week was the first I felt sad and longed for my church community. I look forward to seeing everyone in May and June when we visit. But, more importantly, I am anxious to find our church here, too.

I was also explaining to Mark that I constantly get the feeling I forgot to do something. Which is silly, because I have nothing to do. Nowhere to be. I said how it took me two years to learn how to say "no" when people asked me to do this, that or the other. I always felt too guilty to decline, so I overloaded my plate. It was not a good thing for me. I guess I got what I asked for!

It is starting to feel more and more like home, though. And that's good.

Reality Check (or lack thereof)

So, while things are going, er, great here, let us not forget that we are still homeowners in Illinois. There has been lots of activity, plenty of showings. We understand there are a few interested parties. Or three. Each said to "let them know when someone makes an offer", so they can counter. That "we love the house. Don't show it to anyone else - we want it". "We need to figure out what we're doing". Blah, blah, blah.

The first forwarded piece of mail we received a week ago? A foreclosure letter.

I have a hard time feeling completely renewed when there are still loose ends in Illinois. Just when things are going well here, my thoughts turn to what still needs to be tended to. Though, not much can be done, without $. If we don't short sale the house, we'll have to hand over the keys to the bank and walk away.

Sounds hard to do, doesn't it? What do you do when there's nothing else? The real shame, in my opinion anyway, is that when we call our mortgage company to talk with them about what to do, to work with them, etc., - you know, all the things that we have heard and read to do in our situation - they could CARE LESS. Our mortgage company, whom will remain nameless, Chase, has told us outright to take the option of deed in lieu of foreclosure. What is that? I mentioned it above. You put your keys in an envelope, and mail them to the lender. So, please pray that a short sale will work in order to sell our home soon.

On another "house" note, you want to know a little thing that I love about living here? Clotheslines. People use them. Daily. They put all their clothes on them. Yes, skivvies too, people. That's, like, not even allowed in any subdivision where we come from in Illinois! Why, that's too offensive! Who wants to look at that all day? Who cares! Then, I read an article in the Parents Connect insert of Nick Jr. magazine that one way to go "green" - stop using your dryer and start using a clothesline! Brilliant! Read more here.

33 Miles

We physically moved a many a more mile than 33. More like over one hundred or so. 33 Miles is a favorite Christian group of mine. Where am I going with this? To better understand, take it from the band’s MySpace page, “their name, [is] a simple metaphor for the 33 years that Christ spent on Earth, and how He lived them. “He was a friend to the friendless, He loved the unlovable, and He gave of Himself selflessly by dying on the cross in our place so that we could live forever,” Jason explains. “We want to follow Christ. We want our ‘Miles’ to have purpose and meaning and to make a difference for the Kingdom of God. We aren't promised a certain number of miles, so what are we going to do with the "Miles" that we are given?”

I truly feel that this move is the beginning of my “miles” that are going to count. Not that my previous years’ “mileage” hasn’t. When I started this blog, it was the eve of my thirtieth birthday. So much was happening. I was changing. I was beginning a relationship with Christ. I found it of significant meaning that I was coming into Christ at the supposed age Jesus was baptized. Luke 3: 23 Jesus, when he began his ministry, was about thirty years of age, being the son (as was supposed) of Joseph… I have read that in order for Christ to begin His ministry, first he most likely had to be washed with water – baptized, and anointed with oil. Since my thirtieth birthday I have a new appreciation for my own baptism, and I have submersed myself in the Word. And I have never looked back. The reason I bring this up, is that this May, I turn 33. And funny, look where we are.

When the opportunity came up for our family to make this move, I laughed at Mark and said %*!# no! Then, I opened my heart. I also Googled. And what do you know – my thoughts changed. We were moving! This was a complete act of God, and we have completely followed His lead. Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.


It’s hard to believe that a week ago I was driving up here with Angel (again, her name, the irony), our lab mix, and a truck filled to the gills with all of our belongings. It’s a good feeling to be here. It is surreal to be here. I have arrived!

What a week it was. The kids started school straight away last Monday. It was brutal. School starts an hour earlier here than in Illinois. Seeing as we didn’t get the trailer unloaded and dinner on the table until after nine at night, getting up at 6ish was quite a feat. Amazingly, and with excitement, they did it! We were very unprepared though. We couldn’t find the Ziploc bags for lunches and snacks. We ended up sending the kids without anything for snack at all! I felt like the total deadbeat mother. Luckily, the school gave them back-up snacks. We were to report to the school office by a quarter to eight. We arrived at about 8:00 am. I got to take the kids to their classrooms and get them all settled. It was great to see the classmates so excited to meet their new friend! As we walked to their classes they announced the arrival of Remy and Dax, and the kids got to hear their names on the loud speaker. Neat. I met with the school nurse then, and went over all of Remy’s diabetic needs. The school nurse has a son in the same class as Remy, whom also has diabetes. I wasn’t too worried about leaving either child that day. If anything, I knew it would be fun and different for them. However, my little guy was going from a 2 hour 45 minute Kindergarten day, to a 7 hour 15 minute day and lunch at school, to boot. He loved it. Well, the first day a girl did share her cookie with him. I was more worried that when I got home to the empty house, I was going to finally break down. I had been holding things together pretty well thus far. And I was fine. I had so much to do, I couldn’t think about being depressed. I did find the Ziplocs though!

By Tuesday, both kids were getting hot lunch. Dax was like an old pro at it! Remy announced she had a new total BFF. The kids have enjoyed gym, music, art, Spanish and library time. The author of “Frankie, the Walk n’ Roll Dog” came to talk with the kids. Frankie, her dog and inspiration for the book, came along! The kids loved it; Dax even got a lick on the cheek from Frankie. Both kids got a copy of the book, signed and paw-tographed to them. Friday, Dax got to bring home the class chicken, named Checkers. We need to show Checkers a good time this coming week, but I think we could stand to have him show us around a bit! This week also means that Dax is the Star Student and gets to do all kinds of fun things and help his classmates get to know him better.

Over the weekend, Dax learned to ride his bike without training wheels! Mark and the kids went down to the trail along the ravine that has a winding path with stone bridges that cross over the little creek. We ate at a great little drive in (which I learned of in Checkers’ journal!) and had shakes and got groceries at the Piggly Wiggly. The weather had the neighbors outside on Sunday and we got to know each on either side of us better (their canine companions, as well). We live next door to Candice. Is that crazy or what? At least I can remember that!

Friday after school on the walk home, the kids did ask if we could go back to Illinois to visit Grandma and Grandpa for the weekend. They miss them and the constant contact. Already. There were quite a few phone calls last week to report on school, lost teeth (Remy on Tuesday) and riding without training wheels (Dax called on the spot with Dad’s cell phone. I have pictures of the phone call to go in the scrapbook along with Dax on the bike)!

Like I said, I have been waiting for reality to hit and the depression to set in. It’s surprisingly been at bay. What with unpacking all week, and having the house to myself, I haven’t had to worry about anything outside our four walls. Saturday felt more ‘weird’. We were out running errands and driving around. I was removed from my element, my comfort zone. Naturally, I started to get that “what if we made a mistake,” “Did we do the right thing?” feeling. I then realize it’s the chemical imbalance talking loud and clear, and what I need to be doing is listening for God’s whisper. If I worry, I am not trusting God. I have to pray, unceasingly, and just have FAITH. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.


Now, I know you are asking the burning question (but, remember this is my blog)… Mark is doing great at his new job. He is bringing organization and refreshing changes with him to the department. He deals with issues that the previous manager simply wouldn’t do. Mark has shown others how to do things the previous manager told them was not even possible. More importantly, he is building friendships. For all involved, things are good.

The neighborhood is reminiscent to me of the town I grew up in. Unique brick houses, with stucco and color and great old limestone churches. The Kohler clock tower chimes the hour! There is so much charm here. The houses have... personality! We walk the two blocks to school and can ride our bikes pretty much anywhere. The classrooms in the school even look like my old elementary school rooms. The community pool is the summer hangout. That was a favorite of mine as a kid. I look forward to making our roots here, and for the kids to have the small town life we hoped for them. It is nice to have the comforts of Big Box stores and trust me, I NEED my drive-thru Starbucks (By the way, THANK YOU Fran!). But I like to think the kids can have that small town life in modern times. We truly do want the ‘miles’ ahead of us to have purpose and meaning. This path, a new journey, an adventure. Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."