He is in this place.

Mark's been working on his witness for his CRHP (pronounced 'chirp', google it) weekend. I am so proud of him. He dragged his feet about going (I thought it was because I wanted him to go). Mark was just not ready for it. God knew what He was doing. So, that first year he signed up and a few days before the renewal weekend he backed out. Then, that fall I went to Women's CRHP. The following spring he went. It was best that he didn't go that first year, as there was a certain witness he needed to hear when he did. I think it was the one that changed him forever. This year, Mark is a witnesser. So much of our lives changed for each of us with that one weekend. It's what brought us here.

So, tonight I was helping Mark pick out his songs for before and after his witness. They are perfect - Hold Fast by MercyMe and Song of Hope by Robbie Seay Band. He really picked them, there were a few others, so we read the lyrics and listened to the songs together, and these two are like I said... perfect...

After the kids went to bed, Mark hit the computer again to work on his presentation. I took the dogs out one last time for the night. It's pretty amazing here (to me). The moon shone so bright, just that little sliver of it that there was. The stars, so many stars, winking back at me. I, personally, like the constant hum from the factory across the street. (A lot of people say it takes some getting used to. I like white noise, so I don't even notice it. I notice when I don't hear it!) As I took it all in, it just hit me. This was a moment with God, and I began talking with Him. I didn't even notice I was bawling. The dog jumped up to me and "hugged" me, she freaks when anyone is crying. But, I was okay. It's okay. I am finally beginning to be, just... me. I think I am happy, for once, in my skin. My husband and my children, the way we are together here is unlike before. Better. So much better. He is in this place, here with me. With us.

This is probably the second time in my life that I felt Jesus' presence. Have you ever felt Him with you? I'm not talking about a sign from God. Those can be misinterpreted, I think. You look into anything hard enough and you can make it mean whatever you want. I mean His presence. It wasn't that long ago, the first time I did. My CRHP group was doing a form of meditative prayer. As I sat in a dark room with only the sound of others' breathing, my palms up, repeating "Peaceful Counselor" over and over silently in my head, I felt Jesus. I actually felt Jesus. It was as if he was resting on me, leaning on me. As if to let me know I was finally "getting it". It may sound crazy. To me, I felt blessed. I was at peace. I felt so alive when I walked out of that room that night.

Tonight wasn't so much like that. But I surely felt His presence. I know that it is by God's grace we are even here. This move is what is meant to be. (We don't know how long that will last, but for now it is. God will let us know the truth.) I am only human, so I still worry what will happen to us next, or how we will be tested for His Glory. But then I think that it's all God's plan and it is for our good, and not harm (Jer. 29:11). Then, I know it's all going to be okay. Sometimes that only lasts a moment. So, I have to pray again. Again. And again.

I have not read or heard Mark's witness. Mark said he will do his practice presentation for me. I feel so proud and honored to hear it. I know Mark has quite a story to tell. It will tell of his childhood, his transplant, and pretty sure our marriage. I am certain, though, it will be more about his relationship with Jesus, past and present, and the dark times in between Mark was in disguise as a true follower. I think I will see my husband, quite possibly, for the first time. His hope is to make a difference for one person, as one made the difference for him that weekend a year ago. I pray for all the men attending this renewal weekend that this is true.