How could I be so thick?

That was me yesterday. A total dumb a**.

Let me just preface the details by saying this: There was a time after we moved up here, not long ago, that the calendar was crisp, clean and blank. The date was the only thing that appeared on the white 2"x 3" square. It felt like I could breathe. I was free! I was 'available'.

Here is the calendar now...



I am the orange, Dax is green, Remy is pink and Mark is blue.

Well, now that we need to be three places at one time I am royally screwing it up. I will share.

Yesterday, Remy had her first Brownies outing - a hike in the woods. No problem. It's just up the road. Right? In Candace's world maybe. I went to the golf course on the wrong road that had a similar name. Oops. Then I went to the right place - so I thought. In the woods. I drove in places I didn't think I was supposed to be driving, for.ev.er. At one point I think I went to drive on the golf cart path. I might have actually been driving on the golf path for all I know. We ended up at the private "members only" lodge, and I finally saw someone that wasn't fishing, shooting something or driving a golf cart to ask if I was even close to our destination.

"Nope, haven't seen any Girl Scouts here!" It was suggested we "try the other golf course, by the carts, there's a bridge, by the river. Look there. There's only 25 miles of "park"." No problem. By this point I am so mad at myself - I assumed I knew where I was going. I had all the Girl Scout paperwork to be handed in, but not the paperwork about the FIELD TRIP. This was the first event for the girls so I had no personal information to call anyone. They tried calling us at home, but we were driving around God's beautiful creation at that particular moment. But do note: In between my fits of anger and road rage I would point out pheasants and fish among God’s autumnal backdrop - how beautiful it looked at that particular moment. Then I went right back to white knuckles and gritted teeth.

Evil powers that be: "Oh, to be so silly Candace - you've only lived here six months. Did you think you could get comfortable yet!? You are still a visitor in these here parts."

By the time we got back home, it was forty minutes into what was supposed to be Remy’s field trip. Dax had to eat and get ready to leave for soccer practice - in twenty minutes. He normally doesn't eat before practice, but this night he had a Cub Scouts den meeting right when soccer ended.

I consoled Remy and told her how sorry I was that she ended up with me as her mother. I started boiling water for noodles. I attempted to make two pb&j sandwiches with only two pieces of bread. Cupboards are so very bare. Ooaaahh - GROCERIES! We need to get groceries! A desperate cry out to me, “Soccer clothes are missing Mom.” Ugh. “Check the dryer!”

A mere ten minutes later: I lost it. Hysterically, tearfully lost it. I called in for backup. Why yes, yes, that cry you heard at exactly 4:30 pm was me. I only break down and give up when I know that I can. I know that Mark is only seven minutes from home. So he can help me. He can SAVE me. Save me from myself. Exactly the call Mark hates to get at work - “help put out the fires your wife has created”. October is Fire Safety month you know. I had to get his help then and there, as tomorrow he would be in IL for work. Which we learned about today, the day before tomorrow. No notice needed, I guess. Just be at work at 5:00 am tomorrow and plan on getting home late. Great. Now I'm thinking about how I have to get everyone up, fed, lunches made and actually walk them to school. On top of it, that makes another day Mark won't be home for dinner. (I had planned on frozen pizza for dinner, but Mark didn't get those at the store last night, either. Whaa...)

You know what it is? It's the full moon. Tonight. Just to mess with me. There, I placed blame. I feel a little better.

Truth be told, it's just that I have way too much going on and I am holding it all inside. NOTE! **This is not the place to go into it. Not talking about it. Please don't decide to talk about it in my comments.** But it is because of that stuff that I lost it the way I did. Now come on, I know I can be strong. I've done strong. Remember? It was six years ago during the transplant episode, then through the first hernia episode, then the last hernia, well, yah, okay... I lost it during that one, but the week Mark had to stay in the hospital due to the funky blood thing and he could've died at work because he always says nothing's wrong with him, but when a guy at work says he looks yellow he finally listens after we had been saying it to him all along (I now digress...), come on that time I was way strong. Look how far I've come with strong. Strong! Strong like bull! Well, you know what? I am done with strong. I became strong through Christ Jesus and I know that for sure. But, I think it's time I loosen the reigns a bit. A lot a bit. Time to give Jesus the driver's seat, forget about my co-pilot. No, you know what, I just think I'm going to let Him carry me.

Maybe I'll finally end up in the right place. Without any tears. And with happy children. Some day. Because today?