How could I be so thick?

That was me yesterday. A total dumb a**.

Let me just preface the details by saying this: There was a time after we moved up here, not long ago, that the calendar was crisp, clean and blank. The date was the only thing that appeared on the white 2"x 3" square. It felt like I could breathe. I was free! I was 'available'.

Here is the calendar now...



I am the orange, Dax is green, Remy is pink and Mark is blue.

Well, now that we need to be three places at one time I am royally screwing it up. I will share.

Yesterday, Remy had her first Brownies outing - a hike in the woods. No problem. It's just up the road. Right? In Candace's world maybe. I went to the golf course on the wrong road that had a similar name. Oops. Then I went to the right place - so I thought. In the woods. I drove in places I didn't think I was supposed to be driving, for.ev.er. At one point I think I went to drive on the golf cart path. I might have actually been driving on the golf path for all I know. We ended up at the private "members only" lodge, and I finally saw someone that wasn't fishing, shooting something or driving a golf cart to ask if I was even close to our destination.

"Nope, haven't seen any Girl Scouts here!" It was suggested we "try the other golf course, by the carts, there's a bridge, by the river. Look there. There's only 25 miles of "park"." No problem. By this point I am so mad at myself - I assumed I knew where I was going. I had all the Girl Scout paperwork to be handed in, but not the paperwork about the FIELD TRIP. This was the first event for the girls so I had no personal information to call anyone. They tried calling us at home, but we were driving around God's beautiful creation at that particular moment. But do note: In between my fits of anger and road rage I would point out pheasants and fish among God’s autumnal backdrop - how beautiful it looked at that particular moment. Then I went right back to white knuckles and gritted teeth.

Evil powers that be: "Oh, to be so silly Candace - you've only lived here six months. Did you think you could get comfortable yet!? You are still a visitor in these here parts."

By the time we got back home, it was forty minutes into what was supposed to be Remy’s field trip. Dax had to eat and get ready to leave for soccer practice - in twenty minutes. He normally doesn't eat before practice, but this night he had a Cub Scouts den meeting right when soccer ended.

I consoled Remy and told her how sorry I was that she ended up with me as her mother. I started boiling water for noodles. I attempted to make two pb&j sandwiches with only two pieces of bread. Cupboards are so very bare. Ooaaahh - GROCERIES! We need to get groceries! A desperate cry out to me, “Soccer clothes are missing Mom.” Ugh. “Check the dryer!”

A mere ten minutes later: I lost it. Hysterically, tearfully lost it. I called in for backup. Why yes, yes, that cry you heard at exactly 4:30 pm was me. I only break down and give up when I know that I can. I know that Mark is only seven minutes from home. So he can help me. He can SAVE me. Save me from myself. Exactly the call Mark hates to get at work - “help put out the fires your wife has created”. October is Fire Safety month you know. I had to get his help then and there, as tomorrow he would be in IL for work. Which we learned about today, the day before tomorrow. No notice needed, I guess. Just be at work at 5:00 am tomorrow and plan on getting home late. Great. Now I'm thinking about how I have to get everyone up, fed, lunches made and actually walk them to school. On top of it, that makes another day Mark won't be home for dinner. (I had planned on frozen pizza for dinner, but Mark didn't get those at the store last night, either. Whaa...)

You know what it is? It's the full moon. Tonight. Just to mess with me. There, I placed blame. I feel a little better.

Truth be told, it's just that I have way too much going on and I am holding it all inside. NOTE! **This is not the place to go into it. Not talking about it. Please don't decide to talk about it in my comments.** But it is because of that stuff that I lost it the way I did. Now come on, I know I can be strong. I've done strong. Remember? It was six years ago during the transplant episode, then through the first hernia episode, then the last hernia, well, yah, okay... I lost it during that one, but the week Mark had to stay in the hospital due to the funky blood thing and he could've died at work because he always says nothing's wrong with him, but when a guy at work says he looks yellow he finally listens after we had been saying it to him all along (I now digress...), come on that time I was way strong. Look how far I've come with strong. Strong! Strong like bull! Well, you know what? I am done with strong. I became strong through Christ Jesus and I know that for sure. But, I think it's time I loosen the reigns a bit. A lot a bit. Time to give Jesus the driver's seat, forget about my co-pilot. No, you know what, I just think I'm going to let Him carry me.

Maybe I'll finally end up in the right place. Without any tears. And with happy children. Some day. Because today?

He is in this place.

Mark's been working on his witness for his CRHP (pronounced 'chirp', google it) weekend. I am so proud of him. He dragged his feet about going (I thought it was because I wanted him to go). Mark was just not ready for it. God knew what He was doing. So, that first year he signed up and a few days before the renewal weekend he backed out. Then, that fall I went to Women's CRHP. The following spring he went. It was best that he didn't go that first year, as there was a certain witness he needed to hear when he did. I think it was the one that changed him forever. This year, Mark is a witnesser. So much of our lives changed for each of us with that one weekend. It's what brought us here.

So, tonight I was helping Mark pick out his songs for before and after his witness. They are perfect - Hold Fast by MercyMe and Song of Hope by Robbie Seay Band. He really picked them, there were a few others, so we read the lyrics and listened to the songs together, and these two are like I said... perfect...

After the kids went to bed, Mark hit the computer again to work on his presentation. I took the dogs out one last time for the night. It's pretty amazing here (to me). The moon shone so bright, just that little sliver of it that there was. The stars, so many stars, winking back at me. I, personally, like the constant hum from the factory across the street. (A lot of people say it takes some getting used to. I like white noise, so I don't even notice it. I notice when I don't hear it!) As I took it all in, it just hit me. This was a moment with God, and I began talking with Him. I didn't even notice I was bawling. The dog jumped up to me and "hugged" me, she freaks when anyone is crying. But, I was okay. It's okay. I am finally beginning to be, just... me. I think I am happy, for once, in my skin. My husband and my children, the way we are together here is unlike before. Better. So much better. He is in this place, here with me. With us.

This is probably the second time in my life that I felt Jesus' presence. Have you ever felt Him with you? I'm not talking about a sign from God. Those can be misinterpreted, I think. You look into anything hard enough and you can make it mean whatever you want. I mean His presence. It wasn't that long ago, the first time I did. My CRHP group was doing a form of meditative prayer. As I sat in a dark room with only the sound of others' breathing, my palms up, repeating "Peaceful Counselor" over and over silently in my head, I felt Jesus. I actually felt Jesus. It was as if he was resting on me, leaning on me. As if to let me know I was finally "getting it". It may sound crazy. To me, I felt blessed. I was at peace. I felt so alive when I walked out of that room that night.

Tonight wasn't so much like that. But I surely felt His presence. I know that it is by God's grace we are even here. This move is what is meant to be. (We don't know how long that will last, but for now it is. God will let us know the truth.) I am only human, so I still worry what will happen to us next, or how we will be tested for His Glory. But then I think that it's all God's plan and it is for our good, and not harm (Jer. 29:11). Then, I know it's all going to be okay. Sometimes that only lasts a moment. So, I have to pray again. Again. And again.

I have not read or heard Mark's witness. Mark said he will do his practice presentation for me. I feel so proud and honored to hear it. I know Mark has quite a story to tell. It will tell of his childhood, his transplant, and pretty sure our marriage. I am certain, though, it will be more about his relationship with Jesus, past and present, and the dark times in between Mark was in disguise as a true follower. I think I will see my husband, quite possibly, for the first time. His hope is to make a difference for one person, as one made the difference for him that weekend a year ago. I pray for all the men attending this renewal weekend that this is true.

And danced by the light of the moon

Do you remember the TV show ThirtySomething? I was like in middle school and I barely remember it, I think my sister watched it. At the end of the credits a couple sang “And danced by the light of the moon.” Well let me tell ya, the full moon must not yet be waning. Or is that waxing. Whatever the moon does after being full. I am still feeling the effects of it. I can’t stop laughing at myself about what happened to me, I’m such a dork. I worry about everything so much that I never take the time to laugh at myself. But yesterday was downright hilarious. As I was walking from the kitchen to the bedroom I had an itch on my left ankle, so, I rubbed the left foot with my right. This is when it happened - my right foot got caught on my left pant leg. I seriously went sailing – arms flailing out at my sides like a kid pretending to be an airplane. Though I was more like a helicopter with a broken propeller that was going down. I slammed my foot down on the hardwood floor so hard I thought I broke it. I had to run to get myself upright again because my nose was about to touch the floor when my foot did. My gawd it was so hilarious. I still can’t stop laughing about it. The kids couldn’t make sense of what had happened. They just kept eating their cereal at the kitchen table. Remy says to me, “Did a bug on the floor, like, trip you or something Mom?” Yeah, that was it.

Mr. Mayor and the moon

Yup, those are my kids with the Mayor of Joe-ville. Mr. Mayor came out to the 15th annual tree planting and organ donor dedication, as did Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White. Quite a day! It started out questionable (more like downhill). The kids were ornery by breakfast, which looking back at now I can’t even remember what the deal was. I think it was something about where we were all to sit at the table. This is a big deal to the almost three and five year-old in the house. I was not in the mood. It progressed from the children to my husband. They all managed to bug me to the point I stated, “It must be Mother’s Day. Is that today? The way everyone is acting, it really must be my day!” I get pretty uptight about the way “Mom” gets treated. So, it was one of those days “Mom” was feeling no R-E-S-P-E-C-T. The clock was ticking closer to the tree planting and I still hadn’t showered nor had the kids eaten lunch. We ended up making it to the ceremony, late as usual. I am late for everything in case you did not already know this. I assume I can get anywhere I need to be in 15 minutes. Even if I need to be to the Indiana border, 15 minutes is all I need to make that hour trip. As soon as we walked in the door I could see my folks and Dax’s godmother and her kids. The fact that they were there meant so much! But then I felt so bad that we were late. But, neither of them probably thought anything of it, as they know me better than anyone. The ceremony was lovely and it was just really cool (for lack of a better word) that Jesse White was there. His support of organ and tissue donation and awareness in Illinois is just awesome. The whole ceremony just took on a different kind of feel from the mayor to the color guard to every person that spoke. Though, I couldn’t help but think of what an episode of American Idol must be like as the one girl kind of crackled her high note as she sang the last song of the ceremony. I began to feel like Simon or Paula, this coming from someone who has never even watched a single episode. I don’t even watch Survivor. The Bachelor is the only reality TV I watch, I admit it. Every season I swear I am not watching it ever! again! and I still get hooked. It’s one part of how I started an interest in this blog thing. I read a recap of The Bachelor from RealitySteve.com and it was hilarious. I could read that and not even have to watch the show. But what fun would that be. Bless this guy’s heart, he watches all this reality “stuff” and then writes a column about it all. Down to his own commercial recaps. Good stuff. I started watching SuperNanny and can’t even bear that most times. Though it affirms that I do know what I am doing as a parent, as we already do most of what she is teaching the parents to do on the show, anyhow. It also makes my kids little angels in comparison to some of what JoJo has to deal with. My two are just sweet kids, really. Mark really wanted Remy to say “Hi” to the Mayor to see if he remembered her. She was included in his speech at the tree planting last year. When the Mayor came around by the kids his face lit up and he acted like he actually remembered her. Not by name of course, but just like he knew her. But he was once known as officer friendly before he became Mayor and was even voted the "hottest" mayor in a radio station contest last year. He won that title because of days like today. He makes everyone feel good and listens and participates in his community. I love this town! Okay, so where was I? We shoveled some dirt on the tree and the kids played hide-and-seek in the grove of trees from previous years’ planting ceremonies. It was cold and windy but the sun was shining. At least it wasn’t snowing. We had a few flurries in these parts a few days ago. Someone was really looking out for us all. I have to keep things like that in perspective. It ended up being a pretty nice day. Then there was shopping at the grocery store after dinner (and I hate going without a list). Remy wanted to sit in the cart which she is much too big for so she’s pitching a fit and then the kid at the register is like “credit or debit” and I am oblivious to the whole thing as Dax nearly launches himself out of the cart head first to the floor I look at Mark and he’s all “You can pay it.” Thanks for that. And, I forgot to use my $5 off coupon! I do prefer to shop alone and have some clue as to what I am doing. But I will blame everything on the full moon. That, or the black cat that crossed the road right in front of me as I was heading home the other day. I did retrace my route later that day, as I had to pick up Remy from school. Does that negate the bad luck? Not only am I notoriously late, I am really superstitious. You should see me when my kids get around ladders or use their umbrellas.