Where I'm At

We’ve moved into our new rental home. Everyone in the family is very excited, as it has been almost two and a half years since we have been in a home of our own. Moving has become somewhat of a regular affair for us, regular being a new abode every six months or so… well, twice was to my parents and once was my mother-in-law’s… Still, we’ve packed and unpacked boxes. Some, we just left packed. Until now - we are ready to empty boxes… and the storage unit... and my parent’s basement… and a friend’s basement, too. I can remember when we moved in to the house in Naperville, I said that it would be the last time I ever moved. I wanted to be buried in the backyard I said. That was 6 moves ago. Moving seems like not a big deal anymore. We have learned to live without so much stuff. It’s the people you live with that make the difference. Family makes a house a home. We have been blessed with wonderful families. Oh, how we are blessed.

In September of 2010, our pastor did a sermon series on “Storms”. In my notes, I jotted down what he said that morning (and I haven’t been the same since.) First, I simply wrote “Salt & Light is for others”. Then, “There are people waiting on the other side of the storm”. Then I scribbled Romans 8:28, which is - “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

On that fall morning, I’m not sure I knew what God was saying to me just then. But, I know that those words that came out of Glen Quirk’s mouth were directly from God, directed toward me.  On the other side of my “storm”, people are waiting for me to minister. God put it on my heart to minister in a situation. God wants me to bring someone out of a storm. I want to Glorify Him, Exalt Him and Lead others to Him.

It was that very message that led us to Florida. Many don’t know the reason we moved to Florida in the first place or even understand how we could be moved as an answer to a calling. We moved to Florida because I felt called by God to move to Florida. Mark’s family lives in Jacksonville, and I felt God telling me that we needed to be there. When God speaks, you move. In this case… literally.

We didn’t know what a future in Florida held. We knew that we would be with family and near the beach. We found jobs and a church to call our home in no time at all. But, I didn’t feel God in that place.  I tried. Oh, how hard I tried. And the devil tried harder to attack my every thought and move. So I prayed. And God moved me yet again. Well, all four of us, actually. That’s when we prayerfully decided to move back to Wisconsin. It happened all so fast some people still think we live in Florida, others don’t even know we ever left Wisconsin. I worried that our “mission” in Florida had not been accomplished. What if we didn’t do what God had planned for us to do there? Had we planted a seed? Had we made a difference? We may never know. We simply need to trust that we have been obedient to God’s plan for us.

Around the time we started thinking about moving back to Wisconsin, I read a blog post by author John Katz. He stated, “Sometimes you need to leave the things you love to understand how much you care and how much they mean.” http://www.bedlamfarm.com/blog/2011/05/20/a-tough-place-to-leave-video-off-to-new-york/. Anyone that is familiar with Kohler knows it is a special place. Often times it feels surreal, in both a “Pleasantville” and “Stepford” kind of way. There were a number of reasons we considered when it came to our move back that had to do with the schools, jobs, and church, down to simply missing living in the Midwest. The old sayings, “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone” and “you can take the girl out of the [Midwest] but not the [Midwest] outta the girl”, certainly can stand true.

But on the other side of things, recently while listening to Joyce Meyer on the radio regarding developing discipline, she said, “You need to stay where you want to run away from – there is work to be done!” Wow. That hit me hard. When we left here a year ago, I was running. I was running from people, places and things… I often still feel like I want to crawl under a proverbial rock and hide. Some of this stems from my depression, some from our recent (and past) circumstances, or simply it’s from my own baggage. But just as I felt God was telling me to get out of the boat in the storm because people were waiting for me in Florida… there were also people I left here in Wisconsin with my unfinished story, when I had just begun telling it (or living it, for that matter). I know that God is working in me here… and I have much work to do. I have a lot yet to learn and much to embrace where I am at. This was confirmed to me today, as our new pastor said “As we are preached to, we then do the preaching.” We use our personal stories and experiences to give out the truth and love of God’s Word. And so it continues, here in Kohler, Wisconsin. More to come…

I Am

Needless to say, many things have been very difficult for me. I hold fast to God and know that He is always here for us. Some days I am still and simply know that God is the great I AM. Other days are a storm and I am raging! That’s for sure. And I am screaming – literally – that He calms His child. We are very much like children, in that we can’t wait for Him to reveal all that He has planned for us. I am already reminded, almost daily, of some wonderful thing that He has done for us in this state, place, and church, in our fellowships and friendships and connections. God’s fingerprints are on EVERYTHING. Most days it's harder to see than others, but I feel truly blessed here

We continue to ask for your prayers and support as we walk with our Lord. What a journey (and adventure) it is!

In Him, Candace and Family

A crucial chapter of the book...

Way back in October of 2006, something happened, and I wrote this...

What a roller-coaster of emotions and a whirlwind of weeks it has been! I am not sure if you have heard by now... but there was a letter from Mark and the kids. It was in a huge manilla envelope, like all the letters to each person... it was mistaken for an empty and was left on a dining room table as recycling! It was there, just not there!

I found that it was something that needed to happen. I needed that weekend to be about me, and about God. It was as if God was saying to me, "All this time locked up in the church, and you still aren't getting what I am trying to tell you? There's a lot of work to do on you!" I felt foolish, I wanted that pat on the back for all I felt like I have been through since Mark's surgery. I felt so good about having finally found a church family, that was Lutheran, and it was Mark that had everything to do with that. I come from a Catholic family! A non-practicing Catholic family, at that! So here I had all these feelings I thought I was going to have, and then feelings of being let down. And anger and confusion. I thought, too, that maybe he thought it would mean more to me if I got letters from friends and family. I do know he is a "fix-it" kind of man. Not much with the words and all. So I figured, well maybe the letter is waiting for me at home. Maybe he had another plan...

When I came home, I was alone. Mark and the kids were at the last ball game of the season. It was actually a good thing. You know how drained you are after the weekend, it was nice to just veg out on the couch and pet the dogs! I did that and I read the letters from the CRHP 19 group and the men's group and miscellaneous others. You know what I found? That those letters were the ones that absolutely meant the most to me. They had all the right words and all the best scripture in them. In comparison, it made some of the letters from my family and friends just plain odd and crazy. So, anyway, while I was reading my letters Mark had called me back after I tried getting a hold of him at the game. He had lost his phone in the parking lot at the stadium. And it was still there after the game! Anyway, I said I just wanted him to know that I was home. He asked in small talk how my weekend was, but I wasn't really about to ask about the letter then. A few moments after our conversation ended, he called back. He said "You didn't get your letter from me and the kids? I wrote you a letter and the kids made a bunch of pictures. We handed it to Pastor Gary. I know they got it!" He also asked, "Why would you think I wouldn't write you a letter?" He had a voicemail on his cell phone from a CRHP 19 person double checking about the letter. When she found the letter at home, she too called to apologize. I told her it was really no big deal, now. I had come to terms with it all. I realized it was how it was supposed to be. I didn't need what was in that letter. I had already received what I needed. But the funny thing is... Mark's letter did answer questions for me and was what I needed, and not what I expected...

In the letter, Mark didn't say anything about the last fours years since his transplant or life with our medical mayhem and all that we have dealt with. Instead, he thanked me for finding Good Shepherd. For getting the family to church on Sunday and off the couch. That it was great that I had made this weekend for me. He was happy I was now raising our children in this way. It was a letter all about church and that was what I needed to hear more than anything.

So really, the letter I thought I was going to get but didn't receive was really a big part of my weekend. As was the letter I actually got days later! In the end it was how it was meant to be, even if I didn't like that very much. But it really has changed my life. My CRHP experience was really life altering, and one of the best weekends of my life.

The latest and not so greatest!

Well, there is so much going on that I don’t even know where to begin.

The house foreclosed and was auctioned. We tried to sell the house as a short sale. We originally listed the house at $648,000. We were getting offers for $520,000 to $550,000. The bank would not accept any of those offers. However, they auctioned and sold for less than we bought the house for in 2004. You know, somewhere around $400,000. I guess they write off the loss, then make more back by selling it for way over that $500,000 price later and make big bucks in the end. We tried to make it right. We can only say we tried. It’s a messed up world these days.

We moved from one rental in town to another in December. We had been renting the first floor of a house a few blocks a way. It was 2 bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom and a big kitchen. We had the basement too. We now have an entire house! The kids finally have their own rooms. It’s a lovely location. The house was auctioned (ironic, we know) and completely redone (from what we hear it was a mess!). We are reaping the benefits. It’s been great. We love living here, in this house and in town and in this state!

We returned the Tahoe to the dealership. Gave the car back and said thanks, it’s been fun. We were able to get a leased car from Mark’s work for me to drive. We did this only because Mark’s truck got totaled and the snow was so bad, he couldn’t make it to IL in a snowstorm. So, he literally bought the car and came to IL to get us and take us home. We had been renting a car and borrowing a car from dear friends of ours up here. Praise God for them! We returned their car so their sixteen-year-old son could drive it after receiving his license. Yay! Mark now drives a loaner (called a demo) from his work until we can afford to buy him one for cash.

A few days before we moved into this house, Mark picked up a trailer to hitch to the truck and move all our stuff here. About a block from the rental, he got in an accident. Totaled the truck and the trailer he had just rented. So he rented a moving van the next day and moved all our stuff (sore from the accident) into the new house in a HUGE snowstorm.

My job(s): I was working at both the kennel and the dog day care. I am now only working the kennel. I work about 20 hours a month. It has been great. I am able to work at night or weekends. Occasionally, I work mornings and midday. I go in for an hour. Let the dogs out, feed them, and play with them. Do some clean up. Check in and check out clients. It’s been a great source of extra income. I left the day care as I felt it was going against my passion and my calling, so I quit. It’s too bad, but it was best for our family.

Remy has new endocrinologists at Children’s in Milwaukee. A long time ago she tested positive for indicators of celiac’s disease. She will be having an endoscopy and biopsy of her intestines in early April. The biopsy is the only way to truly confirm celiac’s disease. Should the biopsy prove positive, it would mean a gluten free diet. The GI doc said we would all have the lab work done too, and if any of us show the indicators, we too get the biopsy. Regardless, we will all take on eating this way, as it will just be easier. It won’t be easier on the pocket book, but we’ll make it work! More trips to Trader Joe’s and the specialty food stores. I will have to cook a lot more and that is scary for everyone! ;)

Mark’s dad is not doing so well. He was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Then this past weekend he fell and broke his hip. They operated Monday and he was doing okay. No one had seen him, but the doctors said he was fine. Well, Mark’s sister said you couldn’t understand 80% of what he was talking about. Then the doctors were asking about DNR orders, wills and his ‘wishes’ today. We are not sure if he is going to make it. Mark is leaving tomorrow to see his family in Florida. Please pray for the family.

My depression has remained pretty much the same. I am bummed at how heavy I am these days. I know that if the medicine is helping me, I shouldn’t care. But, I miss the skinnier version of me. The thing that really sucks is that I just feel like something is wrong with me. I am just ‘not right’. I have been sleeping A TON. I can sleep until one in the afternoon. It has been gorgeous out, so sunny and warm. I want to get outside and do things. But I am too depressed. I just want to eat chips and Cadbury eggs and watch TV. It takes time. I am patient with myself. Are others as patient with me? Do they understand? I wonder. I sometimes wonder if I care if they understand. Only those with depression I think can truly understand.

I have been really glad to be involved in my Bible study. We are studying Paul, which has been great for me! Also, I all of a sudden ‘get’ huge portions of the Bible. This too is hard to describe, but I am just so into learning it and absorbing it! I am reading Thessalonians for church. Had been reading Acts, Romans and Philemon for study and Matthew on my own. Never in my life did I think I would LOVE reading the Bible as much as I do. I have had a huge revelation, something I had been praying for and asking others to pray for me for. I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I think I finally figured it out! I’ll save that for another entry though. It deserves it’s own.

I can't even come up with a clever title. I got nothing.

Well, we survived our trip to IL. We had a ton more stuff in that house than we thought we did. We were going to share a storage unit with my brother and ended up taking up the whole thing almost. We got to see old near and dear friends. Kids got to see their cousins and we went to the Brookfield Zoo. We got to see Stingray Bay. We ate pizza (my favorite food group). I had coffee with my girlfriends. I needed that so much (the pizza, coffee and girlfriends!). Remy got to see her friends at her old school and visit with them at lunch! We ended up staying an extra night, which worked out okay.

We have survived the first two weeks of school. It's absolutely crazy. I can't believe my kids are in school-school. With all the homework and figuring out what the kids have on what day and what is due when. I said lastnight I am like an official mom now. This makes it feel really real. I actually think I can feel them growing up. Maybe because it hurts a little. To see them grow up so fast.

I have been crazy busy and then again I have been a whole bunch of nothing. I saw a few doctors here. Had the ultrasound done, which showed no abnormalities. So, it's not menopause. That's good. I should assume that the sweats (I have them right now in fact) are from my antidepressants?

Got a letter in the mail the other day from that department store I interviewed with. Said "Though I displayed great qualities, I am not what that particular department store looks for in an employee." Wha? At first I was like all mad. I just got turned down for a job. In retail. Isn't it hard to not get a job in retail? But really, I felt so relieved. I don't really want to go back to work. But, I kind of need to go back to work. But after the way these last two weeks have gone, what with the meeting after meeting and event after event and homework and serving dinner at nine o'clock, I'd never have been able to pull off the job. Still trying to figure out what I should do to make some extra money.

The house. First offer was denied. We received another offer this week for 500,000 (it's listed at 599,000) and hoping that the mortgage company will accept this offer for a short sale. Mark has finally befriended a guy at Chase that has been so helpful. Finally a decent human being at the mortgage company! Pray for a sale! We need closure and to move forward people!

My brother made a delivery late last night of some of the kids’ toys (there is actually more to come up here!), the winter coats and my fall/winter shoes. Again, we are living amongst boxes! You can't walk through the kitchen without tripping. Dax is so happy to have his Diego toys back again and his favorite matchbox of a “White Sox” semi. He he. He has all his cars spread out all over the floor. It's like Christmas. Or like trying to walk over hot coals.

Looking forward to the weekend. Dax has a soccer game in the morning. It's "away". Remy has a playdate with a new friend. I am glad that she has bonded with her, as we are also getting to know her family. They go to our church, too. It's nice to be doing things. It's nice to go to the store and run into people you know. I’m trying to think less about what others think of me. (Another reason I am glad to be here... as I've said before, I feel like I can finally be "me.") I am trying to listen when others talk and learn about them. It’s hard for me to not talk. I love to talk. I am trying to remember peoples' names. There are so many to remember. There are a lot of really nice people I want to remember. It feels like home. Not a vacation destination, anymore. I am feeling like I have always been here. Or maybe I feel like I belong.

This is when I feel like things are too good to be true. I feel like the fall is coming.

It rocked!

So, on Father's Day we headed back to Illinois. The kids and I stayed at my folks. Monday morning was the beginning of Vacation Bible School and in the afternoon, Dax had safety town. The kids got to play with their friends from school. We watched the premiere of Camp Rock. Mark came down and spent a couple of days back "home". The kids had their birthday party with the family over the weekend. The next Monday then was Camp Discovery. This is the Diabetes Camp. Both Remy and Dax attended. It's Dax's favorite. It was a wonderful two weeks. It is great to go back and visit. I know that I never want to go back and live there again. By the end of two weeks I was more than ready to go back to what I now consider "home". From the moment we got back to Illinois, I was busy, rushed and edgy. I was so happy to see friends and see the kids having fun with their old friends. It's a great feeling to have that when we go back. It's just different up north. I know that this was what was meant for us. This is where God wanted us to grow.

Before we left for Illinois, we did find our new church home. Many of you were asking how our "shopping" was going. I had found the church online and listened to some sermons, and they hit the spot. We attended one Sunday and a few classmates of the kids' were there. They have a great children's ministry, so Remy & Dax were able to get acclimated. The sermon we attended was as if it was directed to us. Then at the end, the song that was playing quietly in the background was the song that Mark had picked for the end of his witness. I looked over at Mark and he had tears in his eyes. There was a youth event for all families that evening and we planned to go. While we were there we spent a good amount of time talking with the pastor and his wife. Wonderful people. We felt so welcomed and at home. They are going to have a new sermon series that will be held during one evening a week. There will be a sermon, then break out sessions. It's about recovery. Mark and I really want to be involved. Since our CRHP experience, we want to reach out to the community. This new series will be open to anyone including outside the congregation. Slowly, I think bits and pieces of God's plan are being revealed to us.

I am so impatient. I want to know what is going to happen, what is to come. I want to know now. But God doesn't work that way. All this character building. I am really trying to let go and let God. But it's hard. I have days that I feel so close to God, and then others I feel so lost and far away from anything God wants for me. What does God want me to do here? I am reading the book 'For This I Was Born: Aligning Your Vision to God's Cause' by Brian Houston of Hillsong in Australia. I have every other page dog-eared with pencil scribblings and markings all down the pages. It is a good book for where I feel I am at, and Mark, too. It helps take some of the angst out of every day life. Each day is a gift. Now, what are you going to do with yours?

I Hate Shopping *updated

My kids will tell you that I said hate, a bad word. In our house, bad words are hate, dumb, stupid and Remy gets the spelling of h-e-l-l, not that we say it around here, or that she really gets it I don't think. She learned at school, trying to rhyme words and spell words. How would she know? It's never used in a negative context, it's the opposite of heaven as far as she knows. It's a noun. Anyway, what I should say is that I really dislike shopping. There was a time I was like any other teenage girl, and could shop til I dropped. As I have gotten older, I hate nothing more than setting foot in a mall, especially if it involves any article of clothing for myself, even more so if I have to try things on. It's depressing. Not fun.

Well, now that we are somewhat settled up here, the shopping has begun. A different kind of shopping. Church shopping. I don't know who coined that phrase, but it's what we are doing. Sunday we went to an ELCA church up the road. I looked it up online and learned more about their community. Big nice building, it's been added on to as it's grown, has a mom's bible study during the week like Good Shepherd had. There's only so much you can tell from pictures though. Mark said a few times as we would drive past, "I really think we should try there." Can't judge a book by it's cover... er, a church by it's steeple?

So we got up and ready last Sunday and ventured off to First United. Around here in the summer, services change to one service on Sundays and one on Thursday evenings. The summer service schedule started with this past Sunday, and the time was good. Driving to the church and finding a place to park, I felt how nervous I was. Why was I so nervous? I kept asking God to keep my heart open to this new place. We found our way in and got seated. We sat toward the back. Inside it was more wide than deep. It was interesting. I noticed that the ceiling was like a hull of a boat. All beautiful woodwork. The decor on the other walls was all religious nautical. If there is such a thing!?

The pastor was nice enough. But, I couldn't get past the traditional service. They had kneelers, a small orchestra, and don't forget your red hymnals folks. I actually began to cry during the third or fourth hymn, and we'd only been there a few moments. It was kneel if you are able, stand if you are able, red hymnal, kneel, stand, red hymnal, sit, hymnal, hymnal, stand, sit, sermon, and we left. I think Mark could either tell how uncomfortable I was, or the pastor just didn't do it for him either.

I missed the Eighth Day band, the words on a screen for me to read (I have never ever been able to find any songs or pages in a hymnal, ever, I fluster through it so horribly!), jeans and casual dress and mostly Pastors Greg, Gary and Bob. I missed actual bread with wine. I don't like dipping a wafer. I missed smiles across the pew and my friends' hugs in the Narthex . I missed my kids getting excited to see their friends, too. I felt depressed.

But wait, there's more to the story. Tuesday's tale is coming.

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*Updated with Tuesday's tale...

So, I went back to the drawing board. In this case, the internet. I started looking up all the churches in the area and checked out web sites for the those that had them. I looked in to what the church's mission is, learned about the pastor if I was able, what they offered for the children, not to mention all the ministries and small groups each had to offer for Mark and me. I really enjoy being able to listen to previous sermons online, too. One church near here that I was excited to check out, as they were MS and offered a contemporary service, had the sermons on-line! Well, I listened to two and a half sermons. Suffice it to say, we would not be shopping at that church. I had to stop two of them half way through. I really couldn't believe some of what I was hearing, I think more because of the way it was being presented. I am not one for sermons that point proverbial fingers, blame and pour on the "you are a sinner, sinner, sinner, sinner!" All I heard from these few sermons was the bible is a bunch of rules to be followed, and that no matter how we try - we will never live up to being able to follow said rules. Give me a bunch of rules and tell me I'll never amount to anything? Well than, sure, rules are made to be broken when you say it like that! I just might be a bit stubborn, though too, and that's what I hear.

What I became used to in sermons was learning about a relationship with Christ, and how to incorporate that into my everyday life. How we should be salt and light. Instead of pointing a finger at me from the pulpit and telling me what I'll never do because of all I've done... tell me about Jesus. Tell me what Jesus did while he was here, will you please? Jesus shared the love of God sometimes just by "being there" for someone. I can do that, I already do. He was a friend to sinners. Takes one to know one, right? He told Martha to chill out in the kitchen and just sit at his feet, like Mary. We all need to chill. I got this daily devotion from Purpose Driven Life and I think it says perfectly what I am trying to say:

"The good news is you’re able to enter into a relationship with God through an attitude of trust in Jesus Christ; not through religion, rules, regulations, or rituals. When we trust our lives to Jesus Christ we’re given three incredible, fabulous, wonderful benefits. So, when we tell others about the good news, we can let them know: God forgives your past; he gives you purpose in the present; and, he offers you a future."

And this one from another daily devotional:

"Something happens to you when you want to try to act like Jesus. You begin to change, not all at once, but you do change. What you want begins to change. Your whole life takes on a different focus. As I began to change, my family thought I was flipping out! It didn’t happen for me overnight. It took a long time to change bad habits but God placed His hand on my life that day and has continued to guide my every step. My life didn’t change at home. I was still living in a dangerous place but because I was willing to let God turn me into a new creation, my attitude began to change. And I hung in there because I finally had Someone who loved me, and I had a lot of wonderful Christian people who cared for me. God’s plan for us is that we all become a Christian. He doesn’t care what we’ve done or where we’ve been. He just wants to take us right where we are and begin a good work in us. When we make the choice, God makes the change. The first critical step toward a relationship with God is trusting Jesus Christ to be the leader of your life. Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6, NIV)

Good Shepherd changed my life in so many ways, for the better. At one point during CRHP I think the community at church literally saved my life. I was really in a dark valley with Mark, we were very close to just some bad stuff and possibly divorce. The small groups, ministries and CRHP helped me through. I was able to confront Mark about where we were in our marriage and what was going on. It was the beginning of laying it all out there and talking it out. We started to work on our marriage. It led to everything we've been through the last year. So, to me, Good Shepherd is a tough act to follow. I pray to God that I have an open mind to all the churches we visit, and we'll know when it feels right. Through all we've been through, we know God is leading us in the right direction.

When we visited up here, months ago, before we moved, we drove past one particular church. I commented "Oh, look, they have their own green box!" There was a church near us in Illinois known as the Yellow Box. A very contemporary church on the move. Some of what Good Shepherd was incorporating into it's ministry was from Yellow Box. One of Mark's CRHP brothers was a member of Yellow Box. (People, the church is not called yellow box, but it's what the building looks like, a big. yellow. box.) I quickly followed my comment saying, "I shouldn't joke, that will probably be our church!"

So Tuesday morning after I listened to the other sermons, I then tried out the sermons online from what I will call, the green box. ;) Did they ever hit the spot. Everything I was used to and more. The pastor made a statement in one sermon that was exactly the spot Mark and I are in living up here. It spoke to me on so many levels. The site also listed their play lists from each service and all of them were songs that we know and sing along to on KLOVE or other christian stations. (There are few few few up here, but that's what the internet is for!) The church has all different kinds of programs for children, men and women. (And you can't beat free doughnuts and Starbucks coffee before services, right?) This was the next stop on our shopping adventure! I was excited to try this new place. Can you believe I was nervous at the last church? I think that says a lot!