Where I'm At

We’ve moved into our new rental home. Everyone in the family is very excited, as it has been almost two and a half years since we have been in a home of our own. Moving has become somewhat of a regular affair for us, regular being a new abode every six months or so… well, twice was to my parents and once was my mother-in-law’s… Still, we’ve packed and unpacked boxes. Some, we just left packed. Until now - we are ready to empty boxes… and the storage unit... and my parent’s basement… and a friend’s basement, too. I can remember when we moved in to the house in Naperville, I said that it would be the last time I ever moved. I wanted to be buried in the backyard I said. That was 6 moves ago. Moving seems like not a big deal anymore. We have learned to live without so much stuff. It’s the people you live with that make the difference. Family makes a house a home. We have been blessed with wonderful families. Oh, how we are blessed.

In September of 2010, our pastor did a sermon series on “Storms”. In my notes, I jotted down what he said that morning (and I haven’t been the same since.) First, I simply wrote “Salt & Light is for others”. Then, “There are people waiting on the other side of the storm”. Then I scribbled Romans 8:28, which is - “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

On that fall morning, I’m not sure I knew what God was saying to me just then. But, I know that those words that came out of Glen Quirk’s mouth were directly from God, directed toward me.  On the other side of my “storm”, people are waiting for me to minister. God put it on my heart to minister in a situation. God wants me to bring someone out of a storm. I want to Glorify Him, Exalt Him and Lead others to Him.

It was that very message that led us to Florida. Many don’t know the reason we moved to Florida in the first place or even understand how we could be moved as an answer to a calling. We moved to Florida because I felt called by God to move to Florida. Mark’s family lives in Jacksonville, and I felt God telling me that we needed to be there. When God speaks, you move. In this case… literally.

We didn’t know what a future in Florida held. We knew that we would be with family and near the beach. We found jobs and a church to call our home in no time at all. But, I didn’t feel God in that place.  I tried. Oh, how hard I tried. And the devil tried harder to attack my every thought and move. So I prayed. And God moved me yet again. Well, all four of us, actually. That’s when we prayerfully decided to move back to Wisconsin. It happened all so fast some people still think we live in Florida, others don’t even know we ever left Wisconsin. I worried that our “mission” in Florida had not been accomplished. What if we didn’t do what God had planned for us to do there? Had we planted a seed? Had we made a difference? We may never know. We simply need to trust that we have been obedient to God’s plan for us.

Around the time we started thinking about moving back to Wisconsin, I read a blog post by author John Katz. He stated, “Sometimes you need to leave the things you love to understand how much you care and how much they mean.” http://www.bedlamfarm.com/blog/2011/05/20/a-tough-place-to-leave-video-off-to-new-york/. Anyone that is familiar with Kohler knows it is a special place. Often times it feels surreal, in both a “Pleasantville” and “Stepford” kind of way. There were a number of reasons we considered when it came to our move back that had to do with the schools, jobs, and church, down to simply missing living in the Midwest. The old sayings, “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone” and “you can take the girl out of the [Midwest] but not the [Midwest] outta the girl”, certainly can stand true.

But on the other side of things, recently while listening to Joyce Meyer on the radio regarding developing discipline, she said, “You need to stay where you want to run away from – there is work to be done!” Wow. That hit me hard. When we left here a year ago, I was running. I was running from people, places and things… I often still feel like I want to crawl under a proverbial rock and hide. Some of this stems from my depression, some from our recent (and past) circumstances, or simply it’s from my own baggage. But just as I felt God was telling me to get out of the boat in the storm because people were waiting for me in Florida… there were also people I left here in Wisconsin with my unfinished story, when I had just begun telling it (or living it, for that matter). I know that God is working in me here… and I have much work to do. I have a lot yet to learn and much to embrace where I am at. This was confirmed to me today, as our new pastor said “As we are preached to, we then do the preaching.” We use our personal stories and experiences to give out the truth and love of God’s Word. And so it continues, here in Kohler, Wisconsin. More to come…

Six months later

It's been six months already. Some odd 180 days. In part, I want to look at what is behind us. I mostly want to look to the future. For it is then, that we will be whole again. We're not even half way there yet. But, as of this past week, we are closer. Nine more months to go. Or a little less. But, what I think I am most surprised by is that all of a sudden, this six month mark, I am more depressed than ever. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with life as I know it. Yes, this has do with the choices I've made to stay here in Wisconsin, to stay married to Mark, to be stripped of my pride, to not have a clue. Blah, blah, blah. 'You' all need to get over it. More so, it also has everything to do with the fact that I'm not giving up, giving in, nor have I stopped believing that my God is the one who Reigns. Sure, I have been really wondering if he hears me lately when I literally cry out to him. I wonder how He can care about lil ol' me amidst a world full of it's troubles. You know, bigger troubles than me and my life. But, He does. He can. I'm still entitled to feel the way I do. It doesn't make me a 'bad' Christian. It makes me human. It's why I need my God. In Mark 9:24 the father of a suffering child says to the Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" He believes in Jesus, but he wrestles with his faith. He needs it strengthened. So do I.

I can have a bad day. I can feel like my little world is crashing down on me. Because, for me and my world, it is. I can feel like I have a bad life. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong. It's what I feel. There. I hate that I have to do 'all this' on my own. I hate parenting by myself. I hate having to do the taxes by myself. I hate having to get the oil changed by myself. I hate having to take the kids to get blood drawn by myself. I hate that's it's 'I'. I am not better off on my own. It's simply not how it's meant to be! "... a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:5-6. Listen, if I want to, I can sit and cry and say, "Hey, God. This really sucks." But, I tell you, I thank Him every morning for another day and for every blessing I have. Psalm 30: 5b "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." I am thankful for my beautiful children. I am glad to have a reliable vehicle. I am appreciative for a refund that I can bank away and/or help me in this mess. I praise doctors that can care for my children's special needs. I anxiously await his plan for me and my future (Jeremiah 29:11) because I know there is something great in it. Everything I read in the Bible is truth. Sometimes I can see God all around me and in everything. But, you know what, sometimes I can't. But, I still believe the Word is true.

I feel like there is so much I should be doing or should have accomplished. I feel like I am screwing everything up and letting everyone down and making a mess of things. I have no idea how to do 'this'. But every day I get up and put one foot in front of the other and keep on trying to figure things out. Some days are great! Most, are NOT. But I have the kids and a husband I adore and loves me unconditionally. More importantly, I learned how to love God first and it has made my marriage stronger and the need for my family to simply 'be' all that matters. It makes it hard to just want to do God's will, to just make Him happy when this world doesn't think like that. What I want for me and my family is not about me or my family at all. It's all for Him. What I want to do, doesn't even bring in a paycheck. The world only care about what my degree is in, or what subdivision I live in or what I'm driving these days. Hey, people of this world - strip yourself of those things. Go on... say you look at everything you did in that fraternity, lose that fancy house and hand back the keys to that gas guzzler. What are you now? Who are you? You aren't that different than me I'll bet. Are you willing to make sacrifices for the Son of God? Because God sacrificed His Son for you.

There are hurting people all around us. We are all hurting in different ways. For me, I am hurting because of my immediate situation. For me, it's a big deal. To you, it might not be. Doesn't lessen it for me, though. I suffer from clinical depression and have many past hurts and hang ups. My husband is hundreds of miles apart from me. I don't have physical contact with him other than a hug and hand holding but once a month. I have a child with diabetes. I have two children that can't eat just about anything other than what comes from the ground or God. I have a hard time looking anyone in the eye. For one, I might cry. I do that a lot lately. Also, you might see the fear and doubt in them. Because I am afraid and I doubt. But even though this is my life I have many examples when I can say, "I don't know why I doubt. God always provides." I can experience these things while I am on my journey. I can feel. But I know it's not in vain. I live my life as a living sacrifice to the Lord. I want my life to be a testimony. It can. It will.

She Speaks

After moving here I felt a bit lost. Not only had we moved to an entirely different state, it was away from all my family, friends and our church. I had never lived anywhere other than Illinois. Though somehow, Mark and I knew that God brought us to this place. Somehow, this was going to be a defining part of our journey. And, this is where it would happen. A year later where we fondly call home, we have jobs, a new rental home, a church family and wonderful friends. But more importantly we truly believe that we live by Jeremiah 29:11, we have hope and faith.

Even with things feeling settled and comfortable, I was just feeling that I was missing 'something'. It felt as if there was a piece missing, I was lacking. I finally realized, I wanted to know what I was going to be when I grow up. The only problem was, I wanted to know right now! I know that God doesn't deliver like that, so I simply prayed about it. I asked others to pray for me. I wanted a revelation of sorts, some inkling of an idea that would lead me to discover my holy calling, my purpose, exactly how to use my God given gifts and talents. I really didn't expect it to happen all at once, like in a complete package. Huh, funny though, how He works. God delivered.

It's a bit of a blur how it all happened, how it came to be in my mind and heart. All I know is that I want to go back to college. I want to major in religious studies. I want to write. I want to write articles in magazines and on blogs. I want to improve my own blog (I do have bigger, better things for this here blog in the works!). I want to do what so many have been telling me to do for years, and that is to write a book. I want to speak at conferences. I have a hidden desire to do something related to Christian radio. I want to share how everything in my life lead me to God, and how I almost 'missed it', so that others don't miss out, too. I want to 'be there' for other women, where ever they are on their faith walk, to tell them they are not alone. I want others to see what I've got, and want a little bit of it, too.

Sounds like a lot of "I wants" when I look back at that paragraph, but it's not really about me. I feel in my heart that what I am hearing is God saying, "I want... you to... write about finding God in the hardest of places like, relationships, parenting and 'working' for God's glory. Help others suffering from depression, struggling to be accepted by society and those who are lost seeking spirituality in other forms to find Me. I want... you to... find new avenues to spread the Gospel, to tell others how much I truly love them and that I want for nothing other than for others to recognize what is available to them."

The best part of it all, is that I just learned of an opportunity to make it all become reality. There's a thing called the She Speaks Conference. To quote their website, it's a "life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus". The conference equips women who have the desire to speak, write, or be a stronger leader for Christ. I am taking a chance at winning a scholarship to attend She Speaks this summer in North Carolina. You can read more about this valuable scholarship opportunity over at Lysa TerKeurt's Proverbs 31 Ministry site.

I think when I knocked, God opened the door to even bigger and better things than I ever even imagined. I mean, really, what were the chances I find out about She Speaks and the scholarship opportunity yesterday and the deadline to enter the scholarship is tomorrow (a mere few hours away!), Friday March 27th! Mark and I used to say, "It's crazy!" We no longer say that, now we say, "It's God!" Wish me luck!

The latest and not so greatest!

Well, there is so much going on that I don’t even know where to begin.

The house foreclosed and was auctioned. We tried to sell the house as a short sale. We originally listed the house at $648,000. We were getting offers for $520,000 to $550,000. The bank would not accept any of those offers. However, they auctioned and sold for less than we bought the house for in 2004. You know, somewhere around $400,000. I guess they write off the loss, then make more back by selling it for way over that $500,000 price later and make big bucks in the end. We tried to make it right. We can only say we tried. It’s a messed up world these days.

We moved from one rental in town to another in December. We had been renting the first floor of a house a few blocks a way. It was 2 bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom and a big kitchen. We had the basement too. We now have an entire house! The kids finally have their own rooms. It’s a lovely location. The house was auctioned (ironic, we know) and completely redone (from what we hear it was a mess!). We are reaping the benefits. It’s been great. We love living here, in this house and in town and in this state!

We returned the Tahoe to the dealership. Gave the car back and said thanks, it’s been fun. We were able to get a leased car from Mark’s work for me to drive. We did this only because Mark’s truck got totaled and the snow was so bad, he couldn’t make it to IL in a snowstorm. So, he literally bought the car and came to IL to get us and take us home. We had been renting a car and borrowing a car from dear friends of ours up here. Praise God for them! We returned their car so their sixteen-year-old son could drive it after receiving his license. Yay! Mark now drives a loaner (called a demo) from his work until we can afford to buy him one for cash.

A few days before we moved into this house, Mark picked up a trailer to hitch to the truck and move all our stuff here. About a block from the rental, he got in an accident. Totaled the truck and the trailer he had just rented. So he rented a moving van the next day and moved all our stuff (sore from the accident) into the new house in a HUGE snowstorm.

My job(s): I was working at both the kennel and the dog day care. I am now only working the kennel. I work about 20 hours a month. It has been great. I am able to work at night or weekends. Occasionally, I work mornings and midday. I go in for an hour. Let the dogs out, feed them, and play with them. Do some clean up. Check in and check out clients. It’s been a great source of extra income. I left the day care as I felt it was going against my passion and my calling, so I quit. It’s too bad, but it was best for our family.

Remy has new endocrinologists at Children’s in Milwaukee. A long time ago she tested positive for indicators of celiac’s disease. She will be having an endoscopy and biopsy of her intestines in early April. The biopsy is the only way to truly confirm celiac’s disease. Should the biopsy prove positive, it would mean a gluten free diet. The GI doc said we would all have the lab work done too, and if any of us show the indicators, we too get the biopsy. Regardless, we will all take on eating this way, as it will just be easier. It won’t be easier on the pocket book, but we’ll make it work! More trips to Trader Joe’s and the specialty food stores. I will have to cook a lot more and that is scary for everyone! ;)

Mark’s dad is not doing so well. He was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Then this past weekend he fell and broke his hip. They operated Monday and he was doing okay. No one had seen him, but the doctors said he was fine. Well, Mark’s sister said you couldn’t understand 80% of what he was talking about. Then the doctors were asking about DNR orders, wills and his ‘wishes’ today. We are not sure if he is going to make it. Mark is leaving tomorrow to see his family in Florida. Please pray for the family.

My depression has remained pretty much the same. I am bummed at how heavy I am these days. I know that if the medicine is helping me, I shouldn’t care. But, I miss the skinnier version of me. The thing that really sucks is that I just feel like something is wrong with me. I am just ‘not right’. I have been sleeping A TON. I can sleep until one in the afternoon. It has been gorgeous out, so sunny and warm. I want to get outside and do things. But I am too depressed. I just want to eat chips and Cadbury eggs and watch TV. It takes time. I am patient with myself. Are others as patient with me? Do they understand? I wonder. I sometimes wonder if I care if they understand. Only those with depression I think can truly understand.

I have been really glad to be involved in my Bible study. We are studying Paul, which has been great for me! Also, I all of a sudden ‘get’ huge portions of the Bible. This too is hard to describe, but I am just so into learning it and absorbing it! I am reading Thessalonians for church. Had been reading Acts, Romans and Philemon for study and Matthew on my own. Never in my life did I think I would LOVE reading the Bible as much as I do. I have had a huge revelation, something I had been praying for and asking others to pray for me for. I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I think I finally figured it out! I’ll save that for another entry though. It deserves it’s own.

A meme

1. My uncle once had an awesome green Camaro it sparkled.
2. Never in my life have I been to Disney.
3. When I was five I had a really fun birthday party and my mom did everything and I love M&M Bingo to this day for it.
4. High school was meh.
5. I will never forget Mark’s transplant
6. Once I met Robert Townsend at a basketball game at my high school.
7. There’s this boy I know who is adorable, and looks like Nick Jonas. They both have diabetes.
8. Once, at a bar, I got in and was like 17 or something – and I didn’t even want to be there in the first place. Lame.
9. By noon, I will have consumed four cups of coffee.
10. Last night I went to bed before anyone.
11. If only I had paid more attention.
12. Next time I go to church I will be “extra” thankful.
13. What worries me most is that which I cannot control.
14. When I turn my head left I see a very messy kitchen.
15. When I turn my head right I see a very messy closet.
16. You know I’m lying when I can’t keep a straight face.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is Reebok hightops.
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be … can I be Shakespeare?
19. By this time next year I hope that I have more answers.
20. A better name for me would be Rachel, apparently, people always tell me that or have called me it.
21. I have a hard time understanding numbers, math, the whole right side of the brain.
22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll study religion.
23. You know I like you if I tell you I do, or suggest we should spend more time together or get to know one another better. Why play games? Tell ‘em!
24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be God.
25. Take my advice, never my clothes.
26. My ideal breakfast is at a comfy restaurant.
27. A song I love but do not have is Jars of Clay “There is a River.”
28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest Kirchbaum’s!
29. Why won’t people believe.
30. If you spend a night at my house, you’ll sleep with a dog on your bed.
31. I’d stop my wedding for any emergency.
32. The world could do without just about anything that blows up (except fireworks!).
33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than eat a live octopus.
34. My favorite blondie is from Applebees. Yummmmm.
35. Paper clips are more useful than tape.
36. If I do anything well it’s “be there”.
37. I can’t help but I can listen.
38. I usually cry when I am just too overwhelmed and feeling depressed and have held it in just too long.
39. My advice to my nephew/niece is to read the Bible, everything you need to know is in there.
40. And by the way, it really doesn’t matter how much money you make, whether or not you have a degree or that you have everything big and great and beautiful. It matters that you make your life right with God. All you take with you is you character.

How could I be so thick?

That was me yesterday. A total dumb a**.

Let me just preface the details by saying this: There was a time after we moved up here, not long ago, that the calendar was crisp, clean and blank. The date was the only thing that appeared on the white 2"x 3" square. It felt like I could breathe. I was free! I was 'available'.

Here is the calendar now...



I am the orange, Dax is green, Remy is pink and Mark is blue.

Well, now that we need to be three places at one time I am royally screwing it up. I will share.

Yesterday, Remy had her first Brownies outing - a hike in the woods. No problem. It's just up the road. Right? In Candace's world maybe. I went to the golf course on the wrong road that had a similar name. Oops. Then I went to the right place - so I thought. In the woods. I drove in places I didn't think I was supposed to be driving, for.ev.er. At one point I think I went to drive on the golf cart path. I might have actually been driving on the golf path for all I know. We ended up at the private "members only" lodge, and I finally saw someone that wasn't fishing, shooting something or driving a golf cart to ask if I was even close to our destination.

"Nope, haven't seen any Girl Scouts here!" It was suggested we "try the other golf course, by the carts, there's a bridge, by the river. Look there. There's only 25 miles of "park"." No problem. By this point I am so mad at myself - I assumed I knew where I was going. I had all the Girl Scout paperwork to be handed in, but not the paperwork about the FIELD TRIP. This was the first event for the girls so I had no personal information to call anyone. They tried calling us at home, but we were driving around God's beautiful creation at that particular moment. But do note: In between my fits of anger and road rage I would point out pheasants and fish among God’s autumnal backdrop - how beautiful it looked at that particular moment. Then I went right back to white knuckles and gritted teeth.

Evil powers that be: "Oh, to be so silly Candace - you've only lived here six months. Did you think you could get comfortable yet!? You are still a visitor in these here parts."

By the time we got back home, it was forty minutes into what was supposed to be Remy’s field trip. Dax had to eat and get ready to leave for soccer practice - in twenty minutes. He normally doesn't eat before practice, but this night he had a Cub Scouts den meeting right when soccer ended.

I consoled Remy and told her how sorry I was that she ended up with me as her mother. I started boiling water for noodles. I attempted to make two pb&j sandwiches with only two pieces of bread. Cupboards are so very bare. Ooaaahh - GROCERIES! We need to get groceries! A desperate cry out to me, “Soccer clothes are missing Mom.” Ugh. “Check the dryer!”

A mere ten minutes later: I lost it. Hysterically, tearfully lost it. I called in for backup. Why yes, yes, that cry you heard at exactly 4:30 pm was me. I only break down and give up when I know that I can. I know that Mark is only seven minutes from home. So he can help me. He can SAVE me. Save me from myself. Exactly the call Mark hates to get at work - “help put out the fires your wife has created”. October is Fire Safety month you know. I had to get his help then and there, as tomorrow he would be in IL for work. Which we learned about today, the day before tomorrow. No notice needed, I guess. Just be at work at 5:00 am tomorrow and plan on getting home late. Great. Now I'm thinking about how I have to get everyone up, fed, lunches made and actually walk them to school. On top of it, that makes another day Mark won't be home for dinner. (I had planned on frozen pizza for dinner, but Mark didn't get those at the store last night, either. Whaa...)

You know what it is? It's the full moon. Tonight. Just to mess with me. There, I placed blame. I feel a little better.

Truth be told, it's just that I have way too much going on and I am holding it all inside. NOTE! **This is not the place to go into it. Not talking about it. Please don't decide to talk about it in my comments.** But it is because of that stuff that I lost it the way I did. Now come on, I know I can be strong. I've done strong. Remember? It was six years ago during the transplant episode, then through the first hernia episode, then the last hernia, well, yah, okay... I lost it during that one, but the week Mark had to stay in the hospital due to the funky blood thing and he could've died at work because he always says nothing's wrong with him, but when a guy at work says he looks yellow he finally listens after we had been saying it to him all along (I now digress...), come on that time I was way strong. Look how far I've come with strong. Strong! Strong like bull! Well, you know what? I am done with strong. I became strong through Christ Jesus and I know that for sure. But, I think it's time I loosen the reigns a bit. A lot a bit. Time to give Jesus the driver's seat, forget about my co-pilot. No, you know what, I just think I'm going to let Him carry me.

Maybe I'll finally end up in the right place. Without any tears. And with happy children. Some day. Because today?

I can't even come up with a clever title. I got nothing.

Well, we survived our trip to IL. We had a ton more stuff in that house than we thought we did. We were going to share a storage unit with my brother and ended up taking up the whole thing almost. We got to see old near and dear friends. Kids got to see their cousins and we went to the Brookfield Zoo. We got to see Stingray Bay. We ate pizza (my favorite food group). I had coffee with my girlfriends. I needed that so much (the pizza, coffee and girlfriends!). Remy got to see her friends at her old school and visit with them at lunch! We ended up staying an extra night, which worked out okay.

We have survived the first two weeks of school. It's absolutely crazy. I can't believe my kids are in school-school. With all the homework and figuring out what the kids have on what day and what is due when. I said lastnight I am like an official mom now. This makes it feel really real. I actually think I can feel them growing up. Maybe because it hurts a little. To see them grow up so fast.

I have been crazy busy and then again I have been a whole bunch of nothing. I saw a few doctors here. Had the ultrasound done, which showed no abnormalities. So, it's not menopause. That's good. I should assume that the sweats (I have them right now in fact) are from my antidepressants?

Got a letter in the mail the other day from that department store I interviewed with. Said "Though I displayed great qualities, I am not what that particular department store looks for in an employee." Wha? At first I was like all mad. I just got turned down for a job. In retail. Isn't it hard to not get a job in retail? But really, I felt so relieved. I don't really want to go back to work. But, I kind of need to go back to work. But after the way these last two weeks have gone, what with the meeting after meeting and event after event and homework and serving dinner at nine o'clock, I'd never have been able to pull off the job. Still trying to figure out what I should do to make some extra money.

The house. First offer was denied. We received another offer this week for 500,000 (it's listed at 599,000) and hoping that the mortgage company will accept this offer for a short sale. Mark has finally befriended a guy at Chase that has been so helpful. Finally a decent human being at the mortgage company! Pray for a sale! We need closure and to move forward people!

My brother made a delivery late last night of some of the kids’ toys (there is actually more to come up here!), the winter coats and my fall/winter shoes. Again, we are living amongst boxes! You can't walk through the kitchen without tripping. Dax is so happy to have his Diego toys back again and his favorite matchbox of a “White Sox” semi. He he. He has all his cars spread out all over the floor. It's like Christmas. Or like trying to walk over hot coals.

Looking forward to the weekend. Dax has a soccer game in the morning. It's "away". Remy has a playdate with a new friend. I am glad that she has bonded with her, as we are also getting to know her family. They go to our church, too. It's nice to be doing things. It's nice to go to the store and run into people you know. I’m trying to think less about what others think of me. (Another reason I am glad to be here... as I've said before, I feel like I can finally be "me.") I am trying to listen when others talk and learn about them. It’s hard for me to not talk. I love to talk. I am trying to remember peoples' names. There are so many to remember. There are a lot of really nice people I want to remember. It feels like home. Not a vacation destination, anymore. I am feeling like I have always been here. Or maybe I feel like I belong.

This is when I feel like things are too good to be true. I feel like the fall is coming.

Time may change me

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger)... So did I tell you about when I saw the doctor while we were in Illinois? I figured I needed to have some labs done for my thyroid (I have Hashimoto's hypothyroidism) seeing as I have been on the cocktail of antidepressants that I am on for a while now. Meds make my thyroid get out of whack and I can tell when it's gone awry. My hair has been falling out in huge clumps. But the main problem I have been having is the hot flashes. I kept turning the air conditioning colder and colder in the house to where everyone was freezing. I would break into a profuse sweat. Literal drips on the forehead and chest first thing when I get up in the morning. I hadn't done anything to break the sweat. Trust me. I don't do anything until I've had a cup of Jo. Or three.

So I explain to the doctor that I am losing enough hair to clog the shower drain weekly and the hot flashes have got to go. He looks into my file and reads for a bit, then scratches his head and asks me about the family history of early menopause. I told him I'd have no way of knowing, seeing as all the women on my mother's side of the family had hysterectomies very early on. He replied then, with an "interesting" or a "huh" or something. After some more thought, a few questions and more staring into my history within the manila folder, he said to me, and this I can't forget... "Well I think you might be in early menopause. I think your ovaries are done." It wasn't bad how he said it. Just matter of fact.

And that's all fine with me. Really. Upon doing more research, it could explain a lot. Many of the symptoms of menopause are all those that go along with the depression - including... wait for it.... depression! So, I have to get an ultrasound and whatever to see if it is in fact "The Change." Could be. I don't care. It would be nice to know if that is it, so I can take some supplements or something to combat the hot flashes! And maybe start to pick up the pieces of my life! Come on already! Sheesh!

Oh, and to answer the question, I am 33.

Grey's Anatomy

Today started out just plain blech. It's been cold, grey and cloudy with constant alerts to chances of rain, severe thunderstorms and tornadoes. Happy summer vacation, kids! I think the thunder outside right now could be used for a World War II film. I haven't heard weird thunder like this before. I don't know where all the water is going to go... everything has flooded and burst and washed away already. The whole thing is depressing. (I need some sunshine!) It didn't help knowing that back home it was sunny and hot today! Ugh.

Well it's Thursday. I looked at the calendar and saw that tomorrow, for many, is paraskavedekatriaphobia day. I for one, do not have triskaidekaphobia - the fear of the number 13. I don't think anyone in my family does. I know for a fact my sister and I like it, my daughter likes it, and I think my niece likes it as well. I made mention of the day and the kids asked why it's considered bad luck. So I looked it up. But Dax wanted to know more or less, simply, 'what is bad luck'? So Mark went into great detail and story telling to give an example and better explain it. In the examples, Mark made Dax the target of the bad luck. Nice. I guess he got it.

Maybe a half an hour later, Mark asks me if I've seen Dax's arm. Dax is covered head to toe in mosquito bites this week. They turn into these big puffy red bumps that irritate Dax so horribly bad. Remy has not been bitten at all. I came into the room to see which bite it was that was 'so horrible'. (Dax can be a bit dramatic) Well, this was bad. It was VERY swollen, REALLY red, and HARD as a rock. I told Mark to take him to the Emergency Room, stat. Mark thought it was a spider bite, looking and feeling as it did. I start thinking brown recluse... go! go! go! Find the hospital here! So they took off and Remy and I waited at home, in the storm.

Turns out, Dax is highly sensitive. (Why, yes. Yes, he is) Hence, the mosquito bites from Hades. He has also had this rash on his skin from the sunblock I put on him the other day. It was recommended that we only use kid sunblock. I am worried though about insect repellent for him! I guess Avon? They had Dax take some Benadryl. I am just glad it's not MRSA . I bet they didn't even check for it... Of course, I notice anything weird about that 'bite', you can bet I'll have him checked for that. Scary! But, on the good side of this as well, the boys returned home from the ER well before midnight (Friday. The thirteenth. get it).

Oh, and did I mention that we're not insured as of, like, today?

33 Miles

We physically moved a many a more mile than 33. More like over one hundred or so. 33 Miles is a favorite Christian group of mine. Where am I going with this? To better understand, take it from the band’s MySpace page, “their name, [is] a simple metaphor for the 33 years that Christ spent on Earth, and how He lived them. “He was a friend to the friendless, He loved the unlovable, and He gave of Himself selflessly by dying on the cross in our place so that we could live forever,” Jason explains. “We want to follow Christ. We want our ‘Miles’ to have purpose and meaning and to make a difference for the Kingdom of God. We aren't promised a certain number of miles, so what are we going to do with the "Miles" that we are given?”

I truly feel that this move is the beginning of my “miles” that are going to count. Not that my previous years’ “mileage” hasn’t. When I started this blog, it was the eve of my thirtieth birthday. So much was happening. I was changing. I was beginning a relationship with Christ. I found it of significant meaning that I was coming into Christ at the supposed age Jesus was baptized. Luke 3: 23 Jesus, when he began his ministry, was about thirty years of age, being the son (as was supposed) of Joseph… I have read that in order for Christ to begin His ministry, first he most likely had to be washed with water – baptized, and anointed with oil. Since my thirtieth birthday I have a new appreciation for my own baptism, and I have submersed myself in the Word. And I have never looked back. The reason I bring this up, is that this May, I turn 33. And funny, look where we are.

When the opportunity came up for our family to make this move, I laughed at Mark and said %*!# no! Then, I opened my heart. I also Googled. And what do you know – my thoughts changed. We were moving! This was a complete act of God, and we have completely followed His lead. Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.


It’s hard to believe that a week ago I was driving up here with Angel (again, her name, the irony), our lab mix, and a truck filled to the gills with all of our belongings. It’s a good feeling to be here. It is surreal to be here. I have arrived!

What a week it was. The kids started school straight away last Monday. It was brutal. School starts an hour earlier here than in Illinois. Seeing as we didn’t get the trailer unloaded and dinner on the table until after nine at night, getting up at 6ish was quite a feat. Amazingly, and with excitement, they did it! We were very unprepared though. We couldn’t find the Ziploc bags for lunches and snacks. We ended up sending the kids without anything for snack at all! I felt like the total deadbeat mother. Luckily, the school gave them back-up snacks. We were to report to the school office by a quarter to eight. We arrived at about 8:00 am. I got to take the kids to their classrooms and get them all settled. It was great to see the classmates so excited to meet their new friend! As we walked to their classes they announced the arrival of Remy and Dax, and the kids got to hear their names on the loud speaker. Neat. I met with the school nurse then, and went over all of Remy’s diabetic needs. The school nurse has a son in the same class as Remy, whom also has diabetes. I wasn’t too worried about leaving either child that day. If anything, I knew it would be fun and different for them. However, my little guy was going from a 2 hour 45 minute Kindergarten day, to a 7 hour 15 minute day and lunch at school, to boot. He loved it. Well, the first day a girl did share her cookie with him. I was more worried that when I got home to the empty house, I was going to finally break down. I had been holding things together pretty well thus far. And I was fine. I had so much to do, I couldn’t think about being depressed. I did find the Ziplocs though!

By Tuesday, both kids were getting hot lunch. Dax was like an old pro at it! Remy announced she had a new total BFF. The kids have enjoyed gym, music, art, Spanish and library time. The author of “Frankie, the Walk n’ Roll Dog” came to talk with the kids. Frankie, her dog and inspiration for the book, came along! The kids loved it; Dax even got a lick on the cheek from Frankie. Both kids got a copy of the book, signed and paw-tographed to them. Friday, Dax got to bring home the class chicken, named Checkers. We need to show Checkers a good time this coming week, but I think we could stand to have him show us around a bit! This week also means that Dax is the Star Student and gets to do all kinds of fun things and help his classmates get to know him better.

Over the weekend, Dax learned to ride his bike without training wheels! Mark and the kids went down to the trail along the ravine that has a winding path with stone bridges that cross over the little creek. We ate at a great little drive in (which I learned of in Checkers’ journal!) and had shakes and got groceries at the Piggly Wiggly. The weather had the neighbors outside on Sunday and we got to know each on either side of us better (their canine companions, as well). We live next door to Candice. Is that crazy or what? At least I can remember that!

Friday after school on the walk home, the kids did ask if we could go back to Illinois to visit Grandma and Grandpa for the weekend. They miss them and the constant contact. Already. There were quite a few phone calls last week to report on school, lost teeth (Remy on Tuesday) and riding without training wheels (Dax called on the spot with Dad’s cell phone. I have pictures of the phone call to go in the scrapbook along with Dax on the bike)!

Like I said, I have been waiting for reality to hit and the depression to set in. It’s surprisingly been at bay. What with unpacking all week, and having the house to myself, I haven’t had to worry about anything outside our four walls. Saturday felt more ‘weird’. We were out running errands and driving around. I was removed from my element, my comfort zone. Naturally, I started to get that “what if we made a mistake,” “Did we do the right thing?” feeling. I then realize it’s the chemical imbalance talking loud and clear, and what I need to be doing is listening for God’s whisper. If I worry, I am not trusting God. I have to pray, unceasingly, and just have FAITH. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.


Now, I know you are asking the burning question (but, remember this is my blog)… Mark is doing great at his new job. He is bringing organization and refreshing changes with him to the department. He deals with issues that the previous manager simply wouldn’t do. Mark has shown others how to do things the previous manager told them was not even possible. More importantly, he is building friendships. For all involved, things are good.

The neighborhood is reminiscent to me of the town I grew up in. Unique brick houses, with stucco and color and great old limestone churches. The Kohler clock tower chimes the hour! There is so much charm here. The houses have... personality! We walk the two blocks to school and can ride our bikes pretty much anywhere. The classrooms in the school even look like my old elementary school rooms. The community pool is the summer hangout. That was a favorite of mine as a kid. I look forward to making our roots here, and for the kids to have the small town life we hoped for them. It is nice to have the comforts of Big Box stores and trust me, I NEED my drive-thru Starbucks (By the way, THANK YOU Fran!). But I like to think the kids can have that small town life in modern times. We truly do want the ‘miles’ ahead of us to have purpose and meaning. This path, a new journey, an adventure. Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Well... that sucked.

I would be referring to the year 2007. I am so glad that a new year has begun. I am hopeful that it's a clean slate. Last year had quite a few really low points. Please, don't get me wrong - I am thankful for every blessing bestowed upon my family and me this past year. But the bad stuff was just, well... big. And, bad.

A lot of what happened in 2007, though it was bad, had to happen. Our lives have been changed in many ways. God is growing us in amazing ways and trusting us with things we didn't really want, but we are so much better off because of. Let me explain. (I think this is more to my benefit, than yours, but humor me.)

I guess it all started in 2006, really. December 26, 2006 will always be referred to, in my mind, as D-Day. It's the day that Remy was diagnosed with diabetes. When something happens to jeopardize the health of your kid, I think you just never relax about it. I am still tense in my shoulders. It just never goes away. You are on alert 24/7 just waiting for some medical emergency. Perhaps, it's just a mom thing. Now, I am not keeping my child in a bubble or anything like that. It just changes you.

A few months later, after a strange chain of events led to some, let's just say, "things" in my marriage, the marital counseling began and the mending of our life had begun. Those days were dark and bleak.

Things were looking much brighter after Mark attended Christ Renews His Parish at our church in May. For the first time, we had Christ in our marriage, together - really. It was a combination of the Mark I once knew and a Mark I had never known. This also became scary, like I wasn't sure I knew this man at all. Or was I the one that had been changed?

In June, Mark lost his job. This was a horrible time in our lives, yet looking back on it now - freeing. Mark was able to spend time with the children at Vacation Bible School. This was a huge deal to me. Mark was also able to take the kids to Diabetes Day Camp for a week. Our family had come together in a way that was unimaginable just a few months prior. It is a time in my life that I felt the closest to Mark than I ever had - more so even than during his transplant.

As side-notes: July marked out tenth wedding anniversary. Mark is currently employed but things are... different.

Every month closer to the end of the year just seemed to worsen. Nothing in particular. I just feel like it was spiraling out of control. Maybe it was just me spiraling out of control.

I made it to Christmas! I hosted my entire family at our home and lived to tell about it! The joy and festivities of Christmas Eve are what I want the kids to remember when they are older, like I remember it as a kid. Then, the day after Christmas came. Since December 26th, I have been severely depressed and unable to function on some days. Thankfully the kids were on break. On the days Mark was off from work, I wouldn't wake up. I was sleeping for fourteen hours or something at a time. Not even because I was tired. Like Cameron in "Ferris Beuller's Day Off", I just couldn't find anything better to do. It's a scary feeling to be so numb to anything and everything, to not feel fully present. I was able to provide for the kids and everything was okay, but I had no energy, no drive, and became hermit-like. When I am really in the pit, I don't answer the phone or make calls out. I can't explain it at all. My counselor says it is very common. I hate it.

Things are looking up. I am learning new things (like, about or finances - we are broke). I am working at having the kids on a better routine during the week. It's making a HUGE difference. I am feeling better as a mother and a wife. The kids seem happier. I also alerted the doctor to my issues about the medicine I am on and had it changed to the name brand from the generic. I think my issues with the depression were from the generic I had been put on right before the holiday. I don't care what anyone says, the generic is NOT the same as the name brand! All in all, since the New Year "rang in", I have a Tabula rasa (Latin: scraped tablet or clean slate) attitude. I don't think things could get much worse than they were in 2007. Pray for us.

Not what I thought

I was thinking I would put back up all my old blog posts with the pictures and links. A way of 'archiving' them. But, it truly would take me forever. I started blogging back in April of 2005. It doesn't seem like that long ago, but man, how time flies. So, I'm just going to start again. It's not so bad, really. There is a lot in those old posts that explain a lot about who I am today (I can actually see the depression unfolding in me through rereading those posts). But, I can recap the pertinent things for you, I suppose, as they come up. Maybe they are better left in the past. It's where those feelings and truths belong. I am not who I was. And, yet, in some ways... the old me is slowly coming through. So, I will leave you with that.