There is always a story waiting to be told.
Grab a cup of coffee and join me as I share some Salt & Light.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Heart Day


Driving back from Grafton was reminiscent of 10 years ago - yet having the kids with me in the car made it surreal, and powerful. The long drive on the highway after a long day at the hospital, feeling both exhausted and energized, felt like it did when I drove home from Northwestern in Chicago after Mark had his kidney-pancreas transplant. It was difficult to leave Mark at the hospital then, what to me felt like “alone”, but I had to get home to the then two-year-old Remy and four month old Dax. I wanted to be both places, but had to choose one. There was nothing I could do whether I was at the hospital or not. Even tonight I, I know now more than ever that God’s got this. But I still wish I was there in the room when they come to draw blood or check a blood pressure. It just “feels” better.  However, tonight on the drive home the kids and I talked. A lot. Man, did we TALK! We talked about my book, what I was titling it, what the cover would look like, what it was about (would today be in it?). How would revealing our private life in print to the world make them feel, what would people say, how would they be treated? We talked about being a Christian, being salt and light to others.  We talked about being persecuted as a Christian, for standing up for our beliefs. We talked about all that God has done in our lives, what He is doing right in this moment. We talked about all the “whys” we’ve experienced. What God is doing with the “whys” in Mark’s and my life, but also how He’ll use “whys” in their lives, too. We talked and I “preached” so much, that at one point I was worried I’d missed our exit and was half way to Green Bay

Things got repeated throughout the day. From stories, to prayers, to simple conversation – we know this:

No matter the situation or circumstances one thing is constant – God.

God is the same, yesterday, today, tomorrow.

There are angels among us. Angels are very real.

The Lord uses these situations not just for us, but for others. Who knows what kind of impact todays’ events might have on others… Christian’s and non alike.

No amount of thinking or worry is going to change what God has already written. So we pray!

So, today Mark and Remy played in a benefit softball tournament for Living Hope International through our church Word of Grace. They had already played two games and had had a long break. Mark had been having high blood sugars, and when they started to play the third game, Mark started getting severe cramps in his legs. He said he had never felt anything like it, ever before. The weather was extremely sunny and hot today, but Mark was staying hydrated and just could not make sense of it all. So, he took himself out of the game, and felt like he was going to be sick. He did not get sick, but made it to the bathroom and sat in a chair near the restrooms, I guess. He sat down and felt he was going to pass out, but only remembers coming to with everyone around him while he was flat on the concrete. Paramedics came and checked his blood sugar and apparently Mark was talking to them and others, but he does not remember it. When in the ambulance, they did an EKG and did not like the result, and started asking the heart attack questions… nausea, pain in chest, numbness, etc. Transport then changed from the local hospital to one a half hour away, as it is better equipped to handle a heart attack situation. Mark was given two bags of fluids in the ambulance and when they did the EKG at the hospital it looked good. Mark was still not in any pain, more like uncomfortable from the leg cramping. They drew up a ton of blood work for every function you can think of. The triponin level was elevated. This tells them about muscle damage to the heart.  This level is rechecked three or so times during a certain amount of time – like 12 hours or something. There was concern that if this level rises, they would want to do testing to look at the heart. This would require dye, and with his kidney post-transplant, he would require extra monitoring. They would move him to another hospital that was more equipped to handle a transplant patient. So there was potential of Mark being moved. So I got worried when the second level of triponin was also elevated. The nurse said when we left this evening that the Doctor had not called back about the levels, so at that time no news was good news. There still needs to be a few more labs to be done to draw a conclusion on the whole heart attack thing. Mark remains at the hospital tonight for monitoring. He had been moved to a room, eaten dinner and had a visit with our Pastor and his wife and my parents (they brought insulin pump supplies from home as Mark needed a site change! Of course he did!)  He has remained alert, never in any pain and considering today’s events - doing quite well. 

Thank you for all prayers. Keep them coming. I’ll keep you posted.

Monday, May 31, 2010

My date of birth

Today is my 35th birthday. I feel old, but I could kinda care less. I don't feel old all in a bad way, I feel like I have finally reached the age I have always felt I should be. I have always been older than my age, and now maybe it'll even out? I am so blessed as things could be really a whole lot worse in my life. But they are pretty darn good. Considering. I can remember last year's birthday. It was awful. I had gotten into a pretty horrible argument with Mark. So I spent time just driving around, and ended up on Kate's doorstep. But it was good to be with her and the kids, as Rach made me wonderful birthday pictures (that I still have up in our room!) and we ate Ramen noodles and made the best cupcakes ever with real butter cream frosting. Thanks Kate for being there for me when I have needed you. I think back now and I can't remember what Mark and I were even fighting about... I remember being really mad at him. Like, "I don't know where to go but I'll end up in Illinois if I don't figure this out soon", kinda mad. I was still dealing with a lot of different things, the whole situation and the unknown. Now, I think about how time together is so precious and I plan on never "fighting" in the near future. I recently got pretty angry about something I thought Mark did (thought a whole bunch of pictures online were deleted, gone - never to be retrieved), when it wasn't and I realized - I will still get upset about things he does. He's an entire state away and I got upset about some pictures online! I figure, eventually it will go back to "normal" tiffs and whatever, but we are more God focused and better equipped to communicate and work things out when we are together again. This weekend, nothing felt better than resting my head on his chest and snuggling. Just being able to look him in the eye and not see fear or worry or sadness. I feel ultimate love and respect from Mark. I don't just love my husband, I am IN love with my husband all over again. We just can't wait for the "starting over" to begin! Only 5 1/2 more months! That's it! It will be the best Thanksgiving EVER. The best Christmas, EVER. The best future. EVER. I am blessed. This is a great start to a new year.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Six months later

It's been six months already. Some odd 180 days. In part, I want to look at what is behind us. I mostly want to look to the future. For it is then, that we will be whole again. We're not even half way there yet. But, as of this past week, we are closer. Nine more months to go. Or a little less. But, what I think I am most surprised by is that all of a sudden, this six month mark, I am more depressed than ever. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with life as I know it. Yes, this has do with the choices I've made to stay here in Wisconsin, to stay married to Mark, to be stripped of my pride, to not have a clue. Blah, blah, blah. 'You' all need to get over it. More so, it also has everything to do with the fact that I'm not giving up, giving in, nor have I stopped believing that my God is the one who Reigns. Sure, I have been really wondering if he hears me lately when I literally cry out to him. I wonder how He can care about lil ol' me amidst a world full of it's troubles. You know, bigger troubles than me and my life. But, He does. He can. I'm still entitled to feel the way I do. It doesn't make me a 'bad' Christian. It makes me human. It's why I need my God. In Mark 9:24 the father of a suffering child says to the Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" He believes in Jesus, but he wrestles with his faith. He needs it strengthened. So do I.

I can have a bad day. I can feel like my little world is crashing down on me. Because, for me and my world, it is. I can feel like I have a bad life. No one can tell me my feelings are wrong. It's what I feel. There. I hate that I have to do 'all this' on my own. I hate parenting by myself. I hate having to do the taxes by myself. I hate having to get the oil changed by myself. I hate having to take the kids to get blood drawn by myself. I hate that's it's 'I'. I am not better off on my own. It's simply not how it's meant to be! "... a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:5-6. Listen, if I want to, I can sit and cry and say, "Hey, God. This really sucks." But, I tell you, I thank Him every morning for another day and for every blessing I have. Psalm 30: 5b "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." I am thankful for my beautiful children. I am glad to have a reliable vehicle. I am appreciative for a refund that I can bank away and/or help me in this mess. I praise doctors that can care for my children's special needs. I anxiously await his plan for me and my future (Jeremiah 29:11) because I know there is something great in it. Everything I read in the Bible is truth. Sometimes I can see God all around me and in everything. But, you know what, sometimes I can't. But, I still believe the Word is true.

I feel like there is so much I should be doing or should have accomplished. I feel like I am screwing everything up and letting everyone down and making a mess of things. I have no idea how to do 'this'. But every day I get up and put one foot in front of the other and keep on trying to figure things out. Some days are great! Most, are NOT. But I have the kids and a husband I adore and loves me unconditionally. More importantly, I learned how to love God first and it has made my marriage stronger and the need for my family to simply 'be' all that matters. It makes it hard to just want to do God's will, to just make Him happy when this world doesn't think like that. What I want for me and my family is not about me or my family at all. It's all for Him. What I want to do, doesn't even bring in a paycheck. The world only care about what my degree is in, or what subdivision I live in or what I'm driving these days. Hey, people of this world - strip yourself of those things. Go on... say you look at everything you did in that fraternity, lose that fancy house and hand back the keys to that gas guzzler. What are you now? Who are you? You aren't that different than me I'll bet. Are you willing to make sacrifices for the Son of God? Because God sacrificed His Son for you.

There are hurting people all around us. We are all hurting in different ways. For me, I am hurting because of my immediate situation. For me, it's a big deal. To you, it might not be. Doesn't lessen it for me, though. I suffer from clinical depression and have many past hurts and hang ups. My husband is hundreds of miles apart from me. I don't have physical contact with him other than a hug and hand holding but once a month. I have a child with diabetes. I have two children that can't eat just about anything other than what comes from the ground or God. I have a hard time looking anyone in the eye. For one, I might cry. I do that a lot lately. Also, you might see the fear and doubt in them. Because I am afraid and I doubt. But even though this is my life I have many examples when I can say, "I don't know why I doubt. God always provides." I can experience these things while I am on my journey. I can feel. But I know it's not in vain. I live my life as a living sacrifice to the Lord. I want my life to be a testimony. It can. It will.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Am

Needless to say, many things have been very difficult for me. I hold fast to God and know that He is always here for us. Some days I am still and simply know that God is the great I AM. Other days are a storm and I am raging! That’s for sure. And I am screaming – literally – that He calms His child. We are very much like children, in that we can’t wait for Him to reveal all that He has planned for us. I am already reminded, almost daily, of some wonderful thing that He has done for us in this state, place, and church, in our fellowships and friendships and connections. God’s fingerprints are on EVERYTHING. Most days it's harder to see than others, but I feel truly blessed here

We continue to ask for your prayers and support as we walk with our Lord. What a journey (and adventure) it is!

In Him, Candace and Family

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A crucial chapter of the book...

Way back in October of 2006, something happened, and I wrote this...

What a roller-coaster of emotions and a whirlwind of weeks it has been! I am not sure if you have heard by now... but there was a letter from Mark and the kids. It was in a huge manilla envelope, like all the letters to each person... it was mistaken for an empty and was left on a dining room table as recycling! It was there, just not there!

I found that it was something that needed to happen. I needed that weekend to be about me, and about God. It was as if God was saying to me, "All this time locked up in the church, and you still aren't getting what I am trying to tell you? There's a lot of work to do on you!" I felt foolish, I wanted that pat on the back for all I felt like I have been through since Mark's surgery. I felt so good about having finally found a church family, that was Lutheran, and it was Mark that had everything to do with that. I come from a Catholic family! A non-practicing Catholic family, at that! So here I had all these feelings I thought I was going to have, and then feelings of being let down. And anger and confusion. I thought, too, that maybe he thought it would mean more to me if I got letters from friends and family. I do know he is a "fix-it" kind of man. Not much with the words and all. So I figured, well maybe the letter is waiting for me at home. Maybe he had another plan...

When I came home, I was alone. Mark and the kids were at the last ball game of the season. It was actually a good thing. You know how drained you are after the weekend, it was nice to just veg out on the couch and pet the dogs! I did that and I read the letters from the CRHP 19 group and the men's group and miscellaneous others. You know what I found? That those letters were the ones that absolutely meant the most to me. They had all the right words and all the best scripture in them. In comparison, it made some of the letters from my family and friends just plain odd and crazy. So, anyway, while I was reading my letters Mark had called me back after I tried getting a hold of him at the game. He had lost his phone in the parking lot at the stadium. And it was still there after the game! Anyway, I said I just wanted him to know that I was home. He asked in small talk how my weekend was, but I wasn't really about to ask about the letter then. A few moments after our conversation ended, he called back. He said "You didn't get your letter from me and the kids? I wrote you a letter and the kids made a bunch of pictures. We handed it to Pastor Gary. I know they got it!" He also asked, "Why would you think I wouldn't write you a letter?" He had a voicemail on his cell phone from a CRHP 19 person double checking about the letter. When she found the letter at home, she too called to apologize. I told her it was really no big deal, now. I had come to terms with it all. I realized it was how it was supposed to be. I didn't need what was in that letter. I had already received what I needed. But the funny thing is... Mark's letter did answer questions for me and was what I needed, and not what I expected...

In the letter, Mark didn't say anything about the last fours years since his transplant or life with our medical mayhem and all that we have dealt with. Instead, he thanked me for finding Good Shepherd. For getting the family to church on Sunday and off the couch. That it was great that I had made this weekend for me. He was happy I was now raising our children in this way. It was a letter all about church and that was what I needed to hear more than anything.

So really, the letter I thought I was going to get but didn't receive was really a big part of my weekend. As was the letter I actually got days later! In the end it was how it was meant to be, even if I didn't like that very much. But it really has changed my life. My CRHP experience was really life altering, and one of the best weekends of my life.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

To those who wait...

I can't believe the last post I made was in March! Sheesh. What have I been doing? I so want to keep the blog up and make wonderful changes to it's appearance... I also want to create a spin-off blog. It's because I have so much time to do these things. Right.

I would like to ask for many prayers for friends and family. So many dear to my heart are going through trying times and lots of waiting. They are waiting for test results, waiting for answers from God, waiting for the right person, waiting for the right buyer, waiting for new beginnings to begin already, waiting for college to start, waiting for the fruits of labor, or waiting and don't even really know they are waiting. Just pray that maybe that little something a someone needs to fulfill God's will - will come. And in His time. Waiting is the hardest part.

So, with that said. Keep waiting for my blog to get better, to look better and to have something really great to contribute to God's will for our lives. The best things come to those who wait.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

She Speaks

After moving here I felt a bit lost. Not only had we moved to an entirely different state, it was away from all my family, friends and our church. I had never lived anywhere other than Illinois. Though somehow, Mark and I knew that God brought us to this place. Somehow, this was going to be a defining part of our journey. And, this is where it would happen. A year later where we fondly call home, we have jobs, a new rental home, a church family and wonderful friends. But more importantly we truly believe that we live by Jeremiah 29:11, we have hope and faith.

Even with things feeling settled and comfortable, I was just feeling that I was missing 'something'. It felt as if there was a piece missing, I was lacking. I finally realized, I wanted to know what I was going to be when I grow up. The only problem was, I wanted to know right now! I know that God doesn't deliver like that, so I simply prayed about it. I asked others to pray for me. I wanted a revelation of sorts, some inkling of an idea that would lead me to discover my holy calling, my purpose, exactly how to use my God given gifts and talents. I really didn't expect it to happen all at once, like in a complete package. Huh, funny though, how He works. God delivered.

It's a bit of a blur how it all happened, how it came to be in my mind and heart. All I know is that I want to go back to college. I want to major in religious studies. I want to write. I want to write articles in magazines and on blogs. I want to improve my own blog (I do have bigger, better things for this here blog in the works!). I want to do what so many have been telling me to do for years, and that is to write a book. I want to speak at conferences. I have a hidden desire to do something related to Christian radio. I want to share how everything in my life lead me to God, and how I almost 'missed it', so that others don't miss out, too. I want to 'be there' for other women, where ever they are on their faith walk, to tell them they are not alone. I want others to see what I've got, and want a little bit of it, too.

Sounds like a lot of "I wants" when I look back at that paragraph, but it's not really about me. I feel in my heart that what I am hearing is God saying, "I want... you to... write about finding God in the hardest of places like, relationships, parenting and 'working' for God's glory. Help others suffering from depression, struggling to be accepted by society and those who are lost seeking spirituality in other forms to find Me. I want... you to... find new avenues to spread the Gospel, to tell others how much I truly love them and that I want for nothing other than for others to recognize what is available to them."

The best part of it all, is that I just learned of an opportunity to make it all become reality. There's a thing called the She Speaks Conference. To quote their website, it's a "life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus". The conference equips women who have the desire to speak, write, or be a stronger leader for Christ. I am taking a chance at winning a scholarship to attend She Speaks this summer in North Carolina. You can read more about this valuable scholarship opportunity over at Lysa TerKeurt's Proverbs 31 Ministry site.

I think when I knocked, God opened the door to even bigger and better things than I ever even imagined. I mean, really, what were the chances I find out about She Speaks and the scholarship opportunity yesterday and the deadline to enter the scholarship is tomorrow (a mere few hours away!), Friday March 27th! Mark and I used to say, "It's crazy!" We no longer say that, now we say, "It's God!" Wish me luck!