Heart Day

Driving back from Grafton was reminiscent of 10 years ago - yet having the kids with me in the car made it surreal, and powerful. The long drive on the highway after a long day at the hospital, feeling both exhausted and energized, felt like it did when I drove home from Northwestern in Chicago after Mark had his kidney-pancreas transplant. It was difficult to leave Mark at the hospital then, what to me felt like “alone”, but I had to get home to the then two-year-old Remy and four month old Dax. I wanted to be both places, but had to choose one. There was nothing I could do whether I was at the hospital or not. Even tonight I, I know now more than ever that God’s got this. But I still wish I was there in the room when they come to draw blood or check a blood pressure. It just “feels” better.  However, tonight on the drive home the kids and I talked. A lot. Man, did we TALK! We talked about my book, what I was titling it, what the cover would look like, what it was about (would today be in it?). How would revealing our private life in print to the world make them feel, what would people say, how would they be treated? We talked about being a Christian, being salt and light to others.  We talked about being persecuted as a Christian, for standing up for our beliefs. We talked about all that God has done in our lives, what He is doing right in this moment. We talked about all the “whys” we’ve experienced. What God is doing with the “whys” in Mark’s and my life, but also how He’ll use “whys” in their lives, too. We talked and I “preached” so much, that at one point I was worried I’d missed our exit and was half way to Green Bay

Things got repeated throughout the day. From stories, to prayers, to simple conversation – we know this:

No matter the situation or circumstances one thing is constant – God.

God is the same, yesterday, today, tomorrow.

There are angels among us. Angels are very real.

The Lord uses these situations not just for us, but for others. Who knows what kind of impact todays’ events might have on others… Christian’s and non alike.

No amount of thinking or worry is going to change what God has already written. So we pray!

So, today Mark and Remy played in a benefit softball tournament for Living Hope International through our church Word of Grace. They had already played two games and had had a long break. Mark had been having high blood sugars, and when they started to play the third game, Mark started getting severe cramps in his legs. He said he had never felt anything like it, ever before. The weather was extremely sunny and hot today, but Mark was staying hydrated and just could not make sense of it all. So, he took himself out of the game, and felt like he was going to be sick. He did not get sick, but made it to the bathroom and sat in a chair near the restrooms, I guess. He sat down and felt he was going to pass out, but only remembers coming to with everyone around him while he was flat on the concrete. Paramedics came and checked his blood sugar and apparently Mark was talking to them and others, but he does not remember it. When in the ambulance, they did an EKG and did not like the result, and started asking the heart attack questions… nausea, pain in chest, numbness, etc. Transport then changed from the local hospital to one a half hour away, as it is better equipped to handle a heart attack situation. Mark was given two bags of fluids in the ambulance and when they did the EKG at the hospital it looked good. Mark was still not in any pain, more like uncomfortable from the leg cramping. They drew up a ton of blood work for every function you can think of. The triponin level was elevated. This tells them about muscle damage to the heart.  This level is rechecked three or so times during a certain amount of time – like 12 hours or something. There was concern that if this level rises, they would want to do testing to look at the heart. This would require dye, and with his kidney post-transplant, he would require extra monitoring. They would move him to another hospital that was more equipped to handle a transplant patient. So there was potential of Mark being moved. So I got worried when the second level of triponin was also elevated. The nurse said when we left this evening that the Doctor had not called back about the levels, so at that time no news was good news. There still needs to be a few more labs to be done to draw a conclusion on the whole heart attack thing. Mark remains at the hospital tonight for monitoring. He had been moved to a room, eaten dinner and had a visit with our Pastor and his wife and my parents (they brought insulin pump supplies from home as Mark needed a site change! Of course he did!)  He has remained alert, never in any pain and considering today’s events - doing quite well. 

Thank you for all prayers. Keep them coming. I’ll keep you posted.

Dia-not gonna beat us

We have been trying to get Remy's blood sugars 'normal' for I don't know how long. She wakes up so high daily and then corrects, eats breakfast and by morning snack she's still high and some days still high til lunch. We are finally getting the waking sugars under control. But, holy insulin Batman, she requires a lot of insulin from 2am to 8am. We are thinking that she's going to have to go on the bigger pump, that holds the larger cartridges of insulin, as we are changing the site/vial barely making it three days. I doubt we'll be able to get her on the bigger pump. Being on the state health care and all. I can't even get her test strips. The state only allows coverage for test strips if she tests 2-4 times a day. She tests 6-8 times a day. I love how the state dictates her health care. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we have coverage, but it makes getting her insulin (the type - they only cover humulog NOT novolog and they think I should just switch because 'they' say so!) and testing supplies hard to get. What scares me is that this past weekend, her blood sugar was so high and it made her feel so awful, she had a severe headache that ended up resulting in her vomiting. She was terrified to feel that way. She never asked for this to happen nor does she deserve it in any way. I hate this disease and I pray for a cure. But, if they really found a cure would they say so? The companies that have their hand in maintaining your health with diabetes would be out out of business. Would they allow that to happen? This is a manageable disease... whatever. It also will ruin my daughter's future from here on out as it's a 'pre-existing condition' - one that she never asked for. I'm so sorry for my baby girl that she has to do all that she does for her own health. I can never know what it feels like to have a high blood sugar or a low blood sugar to experience one and then the other throughout the course of a day. I hate it for her. I'm so sorry Pumpkin. I wish I could take it away for you. I love you more than anything and I pray that there is a cure for diabetes in your lifetime. I love you, my girlie.

A crucial chapter of the book...

Way back in October of 2006, something happened, and I wrote this...

What a roller-coaster of emotions and a whirlwind of weeks it has been! I am not sure if you have heard by now... but there was a letter from Mark and the kids. It was in a huge manilla envelope, like all the letters to each person... it was mistaken for an empty and was left on a dining room table as recycling! It was there, just not there!

I found that it was something that needed to happen. I needed that weekend to be about me, and about God. It was as if God was saying to me, "All this time locked up in the church, and you still aren't getting what I am trying to tell you? There's a lot of work to do on you!" I felt foolish, I wanted that pat on the back for all I felt like I have been through since Mark's surgery. I felt so good about having finally found a church family, that was Lutheran, and it was Mark that had everything to do with that. I come from a Catholic family! A non-practicing Catholic family, at that! So here I had all these feelings I thought I was going to have, and then feelings of being let down. And anger and confusion. I thought, too, that maybe he thought it would mean more to me if I got letters from friends and family. I do know he is a "fix-it" kind of man. Not much with the words and all. So I figured, well maybe the letter is waiting for me at home. Maybe he had another plan...

When I came home, I was alone. Mark and the kids were at the last ball game of the season. It was actually a good thing. You know how drained you are after the weekend, it was nice to just veg out on the couch and pet the dogs! I did that and I read the letters from the CRHP 19 group and the men's group and miscellaneous others. You know what I found? That those letters were the ones that absolutely meant the most to me. They had all the right words and all the best scripture in them. In comparison, it made some of the letters from my family and friends just plain odd and crazy. So, anyway, while I was reading my letters Mark had called me back after I tried getting a hold of him at the game. He had lost his phone in the parking lot at the stadium. And it was still there after the game! Anyway, I said I just wanted him to know that I was home. He asked in small talk how my weekend was, but I wasn't really about to ask about the letter then. A few moments after our conversation ended, he called back. He said "You didn't get your letter from me and the kids? I wrote you a letter and the kids made a bunch of pictures. We handed it to Pastor Gary. I know they got it!" He also asked, "Why would you think I wouldn't write you a letter?" He had a voicemail on his cell phone from a CRHP 19 person double checking about the letter. When she found the letter at home, she too called to apologize. I told her it was really no big deal, now. I had come to terms with it all. I realized it was how it was supposed to be. I didn't need what was in that letter. I had already received what I needed. But the funny thing is... Mark's letter did answer questions for me and was what I needed, and not what I expected...

In the letter, Mark didn't say anything about the last fours years since his transplant or life with our medical mayhem and all that we have dealt with. Instead, he thanked me for finding Good Shepherd. For getting the family to church on Sunday and off the couch. That it was great that I had made this weekend for me. He was happy I was now raising our children in this way. It was a letter all about church and that was what I needed to hear more than anything.

So really, the letter I thought I was going to get but didn't receive was really a big part of my weekend. As was the letter I actually got days later! In the end it was how it was meant to be, even if I didn't like that very much. But it really has changed my life. My CRHP experience was really life altering, and one of the best weekends of my life.

To those who wait...

I can't believe the last post I made was in March! Sheesh. What have I been doing? I so want to keep the blog up and make wonderful changes to it's appearance... I also want to create a spin-off blog. It's because I have so much time to do these things. Right.

I would like to ask for many prayers for friends and family. So many dear to my heart are going through trying times and lots of waiting. They are waiting for test results, waiting for answers from God, waiting for the right person, waiting for the right buyer, waiting for new beginnings to begin already, waiting for college to start, waiting for the fruits of labor, or waiting and don't even really know they are waiting. Just pray that maybe that little something a someone needs to fulfill God's will - will come. And in His time. Waiting is the hardest part.

So, with that said. Keep waiting for my blog to get better, to look better and to have something really great to contribute to God's will for our lives. The best things come to those who wait.

She Speaks

After moving here I felt a bit lost. Not only had we moved to an entirely different state, it was away from all my family, friends and our church. I had never lived anywhere other than Illinois. Though somehow, Mark and I knew that God brought us to this place. Somehow, this was going to be a defining part of our journey. And, this is where it would happen. A year later where we fondly call home, we have jobs, a new rental home, a church family and wonderful friends. But more importantly we truly believe that we live by Jeremiah 29:11, we have hope and faith.

Even with things feeling settled and comfortable, I was just feeling that I was missing 'something'. It felt as if there was a piece missing, I was lacking. I finally realized, I wanted to know what I was going to be when I grow up. The only problem was, I wanted to know right now! I know that God doesn't deliver like that, so I simply prayed about it. I asked others to pray for me. I wanted a revelation of sorts, some inkling of an idea that would lead me to discover my holy calling, my purpose, exactly how to use my God given gifts and talents. I really didn't expect it to happen all at once, like in a complete package. Huh, funny though, how He works. God delivered.

It's a bit of a blur how it all happened, how it came to be in my mind and heart. All I know is that I want to go back to college. I want to major in religious studies. I want to write. I want to write articles in magazines and on blogs. I want to improve my own blog (I do have bigger, better things for this here blog in the works!). I want to do what so many have been telling me to do for years, and that is to write a book. I want to speak at conferences. I have a hidden desire to do something related to Christian radio. I want to share how everything in my life lead me to God, and how I almost 'missed it', so that others don't miss out, too. I want to 'be there' for other women, where ever they are on their faith walk, to tell them they are not alone. I want others to see what I've got, and want a little bit of it, too.

Sounds like a lot of "I wants" when I look back at that paragraph, but it's not really about me. I feel in my heart that what I am hearing is God saying, "I want... you to... write about finding God in the hardest of places like, relationships, parenting and 'working' for God's glory. Help others suffering from depression, struggling to be accepted by society and those who are lost seeking spirituality in other forms to find Me. I want... you to... find new avenues to spread the Gospel, to tell others how much I truly love them and that I want for nothing other than for others to recognize what is available to them."

The best part of it all, is that I just learned of an opportunity to make it all become reality. There's a thing called the She Speaks Conference. To quote their website, it's a "life-changing conference for women of every generation seeking to explore the tug on her heart to reach out to the world for Jesus". The conference equips women who have the desire to speak, write, or be a stronger leader for Christ. I am taking a chance at winning a scholarship to attend She Speaks this summer in North Carolina. You can read more about this valuable scholarship opportunity over at Lysa TerKeurt's Proverbs 31 Ministry site.

I think when I knocked, God opened the door to even bigger and better things than I ever even imagined. I mean, really, what were the chances I find out about She Speaks and the scholarship opportunity yesterday and the deadline to enter the scholarship is tomorrow (a mere few hours away!), Friday March 27th! Mark and I used to say, "It's crazy!" We no longer say that, now we say, "It's God!" Wish me luck!

An update and a down... umm, date?

Mark made it to Florida. Mark went to see his dad very late last night after arriving at the airport. Mark said they had some great conversation, but then the rest of it was just gibberish. His dad seems to be aspirating anything he eats. They are trying to decide at this point if a feeding tube is in order. The family is all getting together to talk about the decisions that need to be made. Mark says he does not look like "Dad", but he doesn't think he's going to pass at any second. But, all we know is that he is NOT well. Keep praying for Mark and his family. My kids are concerned about Grandpa, too. I think Dax is really upset about losing Grandpa. So, please pray for the kids, also. It's been a long time since they saw everyone in Florida, so now the guilt is setting in that we just didn't take them to see them as much as we would have liked. Just keep the prayers coming.

Of course, I am scheduled to work all this time while Mark is gone. I hired a sitter last night, which the kids love having her. I took the kids to good friends of ours early this morning and they got the kids off to school. Bless them! Our friend Ken, the husband, is diabetic too, and I had no worries about Remy while in their care. Remy had a low when she got up, so she was eating a granola bar as she was walking in their door. They got her fed and took care of her bolus, aaaand she ran out of insulin. Ugh, I forgot she needed to change her site. I heard her pump beep at like 3 am (The kids love to sleep in the huge bed with me when dad is gone, so I heard the Low Reservoir beeps loud and clear!), but forgot about it when we all got up. When I returned home from work this morning, I started drawing up vials of insulin for Remy's pump. We are heading out of town soon, so I figured I might as well draw up the extra vials to take with while I was at it. School called. Remy was in the office "not looking so good". So I headed down to school to get her. Her blood sugar was only 211, as I worried she was going to be either 42 or 552! So that's not all bad considering she didn't get a full bolus to cover her breakfast carbs. I brought Remy home, got her site changed, some insulin and Motrin in her and took her temp. Yup, 101.4. Her big concern is whether or not we can still go out of town. I told her if this subsides quickly (as brother had it not long ago and it went away quick without him vomiting or anything!), we probably still could. But, if she gets worse, no way. I told her what would be bad for us all, is if I get sick. Then we aren't going anywhere! Fingers crossed that she gets better and that I have an immune system of steel.

I also hope she didn’t get the sitter sick or the family this morning before school. Then we would really suck. I don’t do guilt all that well. So pray, pray, pray!

The latest and not so greatest!

Well, there is so much going on that I don’t even know where to begin.

The house foreclosed and was auctioned. We tried to sell the house as a short sale. We originally listed the house at $648,000. We were getting offers for $520,000 to $550,000. The bank would not accept any of those offers. However, they auctioned and sold for less than we bought the house for in 2004. You know, somewhere around $400,000. I guess they write off the loss, then make more back by selling it for way over that $500,000 price later and make big bucks in the end. We tried to make it right. We can only say we tried. It’s a messed up world these days.

We moved from one rental in town to another in December. We had been renting the first floor of a house a few blocks a way. It was 2 bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom and a big kitchen. We had the basement too. We now have an entire house! The kids finally have their own rooms. It’s a lovely location. The house was auctioned (ironic, we know) and completely redone (from what we hear it was a mess!). We are reaping the benefits. It’s been great. We love living here, in this house and in town and in this state!

We returned the Tahoe to the dealership. Gave the car back and said thanks, it’s been fun. We were able to get a leased car from Mark’s work for me to drive. We did this only because Mark’s truck got totaled and the snow was so bad, he couldn’t make it to IL in a snowstorm. So, he literally bought the car and came to IL to get us and take us home. We had been renting a car and borrowing a car from dear friends of ours up here. Praise God for them! We returned their car so their sixteen-year-old son could drive it after receiving his license. Yay! Mark now drives a loaner (called a demo) from his work until we can afford to buy him one for cash.

A few days before we moved into this house, Mark picked up a trailer to hitch to the truck and move all our stuff here. About a block from the rental, he got in an accident. Totaled the truck and the trailer he had just rented. So he rented a moving van the next day and moved all our stuff (sore from the accident) into the new house in a HUGE snowstorm.

My job(s): I was working at both the kennel and the dog day care. I am now only working the kennel. I work about 20 hours a month. It has been great. I am able to work at night or weekends. Occasionally, I work mornings and midday. I go in for an hour. Let the dogs out, feed them, and play with them. Do some clean up. Check in and check out clients. It’s been a great source of extra income. I left the day care as I felt it was going against my passion and my calling, so I quit. It’s too bad, but it was best for our family.

Remy has new endocrinologists at Children’s in Milwaukee. A long time ago she tested positive for indicators of celiac’s disease. She will be having an endoscopy and biopsy of her intestines in early April. The biopsy is the only way to truly confirm celiac’s disease. Should the biopsy prove positive, it would mean a gluten free diet. The GI doc said we would all have the lab work done too, and if any of us show the indicators, we too get the biopsy. Regardless, we will all take on eating this way, as it will just be easier. It won’t be easier on the pocket book, but we’ll make it work! More trips to Trader Joe’s and the specialty food stores. I will have to cook a lot more and that is scary for everyone! ;)

Mark’s dad is not doing so well. He was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Then this past weekend he fell and broke his hip. They operated Monday and he was doing okay. No one had seen him, but the doctors said he was fine. Well, Mark’s sister said you couldn’t understand 80% of what he was talking about. Then the doctors were asking about DNR orders, wills and his ‘wishes’ today. We are not sure if he is going to make it. Mark is leaving tomorrow to see his family in Florida. Please pray for the family.

My depression has remained pretty much the same. I am bummed at how heavy I am these days. I know that if the medicine is helping me, I shouldn’t care. But, I miss the skinnier version of me. The thing that really sucks is that I just feel like something is wrong with me. I am just ‘not right’. I have been sleeping A TON. I can sleep until one in the afternoon. It has been gorgeous out, so sunny and warm. I want to get outside and do things. But I am too depressed. I just want to eat chips and Cadbury eggs and watch TV. It takes time. I am patient with myself. Are others as patient with me? Do they understand? I wonder. I sometimes wonder if I care if they understand. Only those with depression I think can truly understand.

I have been really glad to be involved in my Bible study. We are studying Paul, which has been great for me! Also, I all of a sudden ‘get’ huge portions of the Bible. This too is hard to describe, but I am just so into learning it and absorbing it! I am reading Thessalonians for church. Had been reading Acts, Romans and Philemon for study and Matthew on my own. Never in my life did I think I would LOVE reading the Bible as much as I do. I have had a huge revelation, something I had been praying for and asking others to pray for me for. I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I think I finally figured it out! I’ll save that for another entry though. It deserves it’s own.

Doodle O's for Google - Oh!

Every once in awhile, Google redesigns the homepage logo (a.k.a. Google Doodle) to commemorate special birthdays and events. Dennis Hwang draws these Google Doodles - whose job I truly want, by the way. You had better look out Dennis!

TuDiabetes.com and DiabetesDaily have teamed up to get more than 20,000 signatures by November 1, 2008 as part of a petition to ask Google for a doodle to light the logo in blue on World Diabetes Day November 14th.

Please, invite EVERYONE touched by diabetes to join this initiative:
-Add your signature to the Diabetes Doodle petition @ http://www.diabetesdoodle.com/



A big thanks to Kerri for posting about all this on her Web site. I lurk at her place. She is one of those people that you just want to meet and give a big hug to. So, lookout SixUntilMe! I'm comin' to hug ya. After I steal Doodle boy's job...

I can't even come up with a clever title. I got nothing.

Well, we survived our trip to IL. We had a ton more stuff in that house than we thought we did. We were going to share a storage unit with my brother and ended up taking up the whole thing almost. We got to see old near and dear friends. Kids got to see their cousins and we went to the Brookfield Zoo. We got to see Stingray Bay. We ate pizza (my favorite food group). I had coffee with my girlfriends. I needed that so much (the pizza, coffee and girlfriends!). Remy got to see her friends at her old school and visit with them at lunch! We ended up staying an extra night, which worked out okay.

We have survived the first two weeks of school. It's absolutely crazy. I can't believe my kids are in school-school. With all the homework and figuring out what the kids have on what day and what is due when. I said lastnight I am like an official mom now. This makes it feel really real. I actually think I can feel them growing up. Maybe because it hurts a little. To see them grow up so fast.

I have been crazy busy and then again I have been a whole bunch of nothing. I saw a few doctors here. Had the ultrasound done, which showed no abnormalities. So, it's not menopause. That's good. I should assume that the sweats (I have them right now in fact) are from my antidepressants?

Got a letter in the mail the other day from that department store I interviewed with. Said "Though I displayed great qualities, I am not what that particular department store looks for in an employee." Wha? At first I was like all mad. I just got turned down for a job. In retail. Isn't it hard to not get a job in retail? But really, I felt so relieved. I don't really want to go back to work. But, I kind of need to go back to work. But after the way these last two weeks have gone, what with the meeting after meeting and event after event and homework and serving dinner at nine o'clock, I'd never have been able to pull off the job. Still trying to figure out what I should do to make some extra money.

The house. First offer was denied. We received another offer this week for 500,000 (it's listed at 599,000) and hoping that the mortgage company will accept this offer for a short sale. Mark has finally befriended a guy at Chase that has been so helpful. Finally a decent human being at the mortgage company! Pray for a sale! We need closure and to move forward people!

My brother made a delivery late last night of some of the kids’ toys (there is actually more to come up here!), the winter coats and my fall/winter shoes. Again, we are living amongst boxes! You can't walk through the kitchen without tripping. Dax is so happy to have his Diego toys back again and his favorite matchbox of a “White Sox” semi. He he. He has all his cars spread out all over the floor. It's like Christmas. Or like trying to walk over hot coals.

Looking forward to the weekend. Dax has a soccer game in the morning. It's "away". Remy has a playdate with a new friend. I am glad that she has bonded with her, as we are also getting to know her family. They go to our church, too. It's nice to be doing things. It's nice to go to the store and run into people you know. I’m trying to think less about what others think of me. (Another reason I am glad to be here... as I've said before, I feel like I can finally be "me.") I am trying to listen when others talk and learn about them. It’s hard for me to not talk. I love to talk. I am trying to remember peoples' names. There are so many to remember. There are a lot of really nice people I want to remember. It feels like home. Not a vacation destination, anymore. I am feeling like I have always been here. Or maybe I feel like I belong.

This is when I feel like things are too good to be true. I feel like the fall is coming.

Say goodnight

Again with the lyrics... but JoBros said it man - Hold on tight, It's a roller coaster ride we're on, So say goodbye 'cause I won't be back again, Up and down, You're all around, Say goodnight and goodbye.

There has been so much going on and I have wanted to post for a couple weeks. When I try to put it all together all I can think is to randomly list what I can of it all...

Remy has been having high blood sugars. I am not overly concerned. I assume she is growing.
Mark has been having low blood sugars. Ugh, I hate this. It reminds me of the days when we were dating and he would get low. It scares me. His transplant just can't go bad. It can't.

Mark recently had his A1c done, and it was high - 8.9
Remy's last A1c came down since her last one, 8.4 from 8.9
I am worried that Remy's is still going to be high when we go in this week to see the endocrinologist.
I worry about Mark, that with his blood sugars going so high and so low, he's going to end up back on a pump.

My folks came out to visit us a week or so ago. They went and looked at some houses while they were here.
None of them were in the exact town that we live in. There are some great houses that would be perfect for them!

The house in Illinois. I don't know if I even want to talk about it. But you wouldn't even believe some of the things that have been going on. The play area in the basement has a shelf with a rod attached to it for the dress up clothes. My folks found it on the floor of the playroom, completely ripped out of the wall. All the things that were on it were strewn all over the room. There was a toilet completely, how shall I say... "full" and clogged. The whole house smelled of it, I guess. One of the blue stone stepping stones from the back yard was stolen. Someone keeps smoking on the back deck. There were muddy footprints on the pool cover. One time when my folks stopped at the house to check on things, the neighbor took the liberty to let his party guests' children use our swing set. The kicker was this last week though. My mom went back to the house to take care of the toilets. They get so gross just sitting there. Molding. The first toilet she went to was in the Master Bath Room on the first floor. Inside the toilet was a squirrel. Yeah, dead. I'll let you take that in for a minute. How does that even happen? Someone had to put it there. Seriously.

This past weekend was a nightmare with an Open House at the IL house. I won't get into it in detail. I'll just say there is some kind of egotistical battle between our realtor, her husband and my parents. Ugh. Enough already!

It just goes to show me that I come from a long line of crazy people. (It makes me fear for my kids. What have I done passing down my DNA to them?) I can't understand these situations that God keeps presenting me with. After this weekend, I honestly didn't know what to do. I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and remain there for a good long while.

The hardest part of the whole event was the fact that Mark got this voicemail from our realtor after we had this great morning. Mark and Remy went to the lab, first thing in the morning and Remy did great getting her blood drawn. She said it really didn't hurt. Then both kids went right in to Children on the Move at church - gladly! The sermon series has been about parenting and very timely. After church they had an info session on a Dave Ramsey series that the church is doing for thirteen weeks. Also, there was a new friend of mine there, that I know from the neighborhood and her daughter and Remy are in the same class this coming year and they also have a son the same age as Dax... long story short, she and Mark graduated high school together! We were meant to be here!

So when all this happened after a great morning... I crashed. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I felt stronger than that. But, I felt like I just don't know what to do anymore. It's an awful feeling.

Regarding the house. The house has been on the market since the end of March. Early April? We started out listed at 648,000. It is now listed at 599,000. We owe that much in mortgages. That leaves nothing for the realtor, taxes, lawyers, stamps, yada yada yada. We are doing a short sale. Which means any offer that is made goes to the mortgage company to approve. We have nothing to do with it. The offers we have received are 425,000 and the latest is 465,000. But we hear nothing from the bank. There is no follow through, follow up, or communication. An appraiser from the bank was supposedly out at the house. There is no record of it, no one knows anything. Anything we fax (with confirmation of it going through) they say they have never received. Mark spends his days and nights on hold with Chase for either our first, or our second, or the realtor, or the attorney, or the attorney for Chase. (He now calls daily, seriously) No one knows anything. No one has anything. Mark was on hold again tonight and after getting transferred for the umpteenth time, he gets to the person’s voice-mail box, it says, "There is not enough memory for this mailbox. Good bye." Mark says, "You got that right!"

Oh, and the date has been moved up for the auction on the house if it doesn't sell. It was originally going to be auctioned in February. Now it is December 20-something. Merry Christmas! Someone can get a great deal on a house from the bank for Christmas!

We are getting every last thing out of the house this weekend when we are in town. We didn't plan on this. We are getting a storage in IL. I would have rather brought everything up here, so I felt like I actually "had" it. We have no money to rent a trailer. We have no money to rent the storage. We have no money. Period.

Thank the Lord for Mark's office manager at work. She understands our situation, and gives Mark an advance on his paycheck. It doesn't last long, as we buy groceries and meds with it. Or gas for our cars. It makes no sense how fast it's gone. When do those financial classes at church start? Not soon enough!

Kids are still home this week. School starts after the holiday. They are excited to go back to IL for the weekend.
Before we leave, the kids have "Sneak Peek" at school. They drop off supplies and meet their teachers.
I have a feeling this year is going to be a good one. Well, as far as school goes!

So, I had this group interview, for a retail job. I filled out all the paperwork after the interview to get hired. I know they called one of my references. But I have not heard anything else. I was hoping it would all be moving right along... they do orientation that takes a few nights to complete. They also require drug testing before hire. Maybe nothing will happen until after the holiday. I am excited to get out and work and have money to contribute to things we need, like food. medicine. heat. I don't look forward to retail, drama, and hawking the store credit card. But the store discount is sweet.

Work is good for Mark. Thank God for that. Humbly, I really, really thank God for that. It is going well, he seems to like it there and I am thankful it brought us here.

My life couldn't be stranger... even if it were fiction.

Now go watch some Ace of Cakes. Duff can make anything awesome. Out of Cake. Yummmmmm.

Time may change me

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger)... So did I tell you about when I saw the doctor while we were in Illinois? I figured I needed to have some labs done for my thyroid (I have Hashimoto's hypothyroidism) seeing as I have been on the cocktail of antidepressants that I am on for a while now. Meds make my thyroid get out of whack and I can tell when it's gone awry. My hair has been falling out in huge clumps. But the main problem I have been having is the hot flashes. I kept turning the air conditioning colder and colder in the house to where everyone was freezing. I would break into a profuse sweat. Literal drips on the forehead and chest first thing when I get up in the morning. I hadn't done anything to break the sweat. Trust me. I don't do anything until I've had a cup of Jo. Or three.

So I explain to the doctor that I am losing enough hair to clog the shower drain weekly and the hot flashes have got to go. He looks into my file and reads for a bit, then scratches his head and asks me about the family history of early menopause. I told him I'd have no way of knowing, seeing as all the women on my mother's side of the family had hysterectomies very early on. He replied then, with an "interesting" or a "huh" or something. After some more thought, a few questions and more staring into my history within the manila folder, he said to me, and this I can't forget... "Well I think you might be in early menopause. I think your ovaries are done." It wasn't bad how he said it. Just matter of fact.

And that's all fine with me. Really. Upon doing more research, it could explain a lot. Many of the symptoms of menopause are all those that go along with the depression - including... wait for it.... depression! So, I have to get an ultrasound and whatever to see if it is in fact "The Change." Could be. I don't care. It would be nice to know if that is it, so I can take some supplements or something to combat the hot flashes! And maybe start to pick up the pieces of my life! Come on already! Sheesh!

Oh, and to answer the question, I am 33.